Grab Bag [6.8.07]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jokes /Stories:
This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was
awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs
and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and
masturbating with a liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to
bed.
The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some
liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The
customer was really annoyed, she pointed to the corner of the shop and
asked, "No liverwurst? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right
over there?"
The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in-law."
=====
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and
famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:
"George and the Dragon."
He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least use your privvy?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
=====
Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you
like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way
out?"
"No," says Carlos.
Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her
knees?"
"No," says Carlos.
"Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho
grande?"
"Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied.
"Theen tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing my wife?"
=====
Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?
Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked
=====
Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: Jock itch.
=====
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As
she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head
and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old
say with a trembling voice, "Who was *that*?"
=====
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny . So
she said , "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel,
and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would
you have?"
"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.
=====
According to police in Junction City, Kan., David Bell, 30, just
released from jail for car theft, walked out the door and stole
another car to get home.
=====
This is not an urban legend, it happened to an RA in our New York
office
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca
College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is
also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has
never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her
at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and
they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks
like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape
that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or
defecating. After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking,
but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to defecate. He
doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever
talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to
New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the
appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers
without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another
rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so
he holds it.
After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of
gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right
there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little
bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh shit," he thinks
(and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero
immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on
this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of
dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants... (a)
start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the
outside.
He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the
way, he is walking like a cowboy.. On the way to the train station,
they pass the Gap.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last
week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on
the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero
grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit,
he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still
on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him
buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away)
"Just the pants."
"What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (His eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the
store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two
seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses
himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to
the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and
boxer shorts. He himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls
out...just the sweater.
**PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS
SITUATION.**
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as
pants. So he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls
the rest of the fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep
himself
covered by hunching over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether.
Rather than going through the absolute trauma of returning to his seat
and explaining (or creating an elaborate lie to explain) the entire
incident, our hero waits in the bathroom until the train stops at the
next station. He waits until the moment the train starts to pull away
from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as quickly as a
hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the
train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and
Westchester.
He hasn't seen the girl since.
=====
[Times of London]
A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried
to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in
Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctors' paging devices,
the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and
removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV
machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns
victims, has a maximum dosage of ten seconds. After lying on the bed
for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time the man was covered
in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became
unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in
Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's
coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton
police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a
quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life."
=====
Representative Tim Moore sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of
Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend
Albert de Salvo for his unselfish service to "his country, his state
and his community."
The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's dedication
and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely
throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern
for their future. He has been officially recognized by the state of
Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques
involving population control and applied psychology."
The resolution was passed unanimously.
Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion
to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without
reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the
Boston Strangler.
=====
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poems :
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
=====
The wife of young Richard of Limerick
Complained to her hesband, "My quim, Rick,
Still grows in diameter
Each time that you ram at her;
How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
=====
Here I sit Same as ever
Dirty arse, got no paper
Boss is calling,
Can not linger
Stuff it, I'll use me finger
=====
A nymphomaniacal nurse
With a curse that was worse than perverse
Stuck a rotary drill
Up her twat, for a thrill---
And they carted her off in a hearse.
=====
There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
=====
Spam Haiku
Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?
--------------
Ears, snouts and inards,
A homogeneous mass.
Pass another slice.
--------------
Old man seeks doctor.
"I eat SPAM daily", says he.
Angioplasty.
--------------
Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food":
A small pink coffin.
- author unknown
=====
A near-sighted chap named Coulter
Led a glamorous gal to the altar.
Quite lovely he thought her
Till some strong soap and hot water
Made her look like the rock of Gibraltar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotes :
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
-Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
=====
Life is a great bundle of little things.
--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
=====
When I was a kid, my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After
school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat
one
of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a
bear.
-- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
=====
"While the Big "M" folks in Redmond maintain the products are vastly
different, critics allege Workstation can be switched into the Server
version with a few easy tweaks. An official Microsoft marketer
suggests
that's like arguing the only difference between men and women is a Y
chromosome. We think it's more akin to discovering your date is in
drag."
-- Unknown, on the differences between Microsoft NT
Workstation 4.0 and Server 4.0
=====
'A women's work is never done by men'
Graffito
=====
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
=====
* Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Puzzle:
35, 70, 105, 140... (Difficulty: 2 of 5)
Find the smallest positive integer that is a multiple of 35 whose
digits are all the same.
SOLUTION below
Solution:
Simple trial and error yields 555,555 as the lowest number that
satisfies these criteria.
This problem is from the UK Mathematics Trust Intermediate Mathematics
Gold Olympiad, Maclaurin paper 2006.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|