"::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net> wrote in
news:ttgt549u0bgghbqqhr1kqu7mmfk1h1s73s@4ax.com:
>
>
> It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town
> notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8
> o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager
> was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's
> money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all
> the musicians if any could conduct.
>
> None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of
> them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking
> people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct
> the night's concert.
>
> He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking
> everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever
> and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The
> assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless
> and about ready to demand their money back.
>
> The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a
> horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed,
> "let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"
>
> So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the
> manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I
> don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just
> couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and
> thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.
>
> "Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed
> "Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs
> and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long
> enough to last through an entire movement.
>
> "Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of
> resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about
> you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then
> without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started
> swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.
>
> "That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However,
> right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The
> assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't
> have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"
>
> The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop
> lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the
> orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
>
> =====
>
>
> A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
>
> by Donn Laurence Mills
>
> If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might
> include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems
> as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat.
> The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of
> habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional
> methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
> Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes
> attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
> When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the
> music on the floor.
> Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting,
> crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is
> under pressure.
> Look the other way just before cues.
> Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds.
> Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
> Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the
> impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there
> as a personal favor.
> Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity,
> especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players:
> drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but
> cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for
> several seconds.
> Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet
> players are trained to do this from birth).
> Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in
> tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not
> playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a
> note in your part.)
> At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be
> busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and
> disappointing.
> Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you
> don't have the music.
> Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
> Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always
> sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
> As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the
> piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good:
> ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
> When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your
> head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say
> anything: make him wonder.
> If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same
> phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct
> until backstage just before the concert.
> Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that
> others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
> During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better
> yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he
> is keeping you from doing something really important.
>
> It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of
> life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
>
> Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music
> degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A
> conductor and music educator, he is also the American educational
> director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
Bat On my friend, you will get better LOL
Mercury.
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