| Conductor Jokes 2 |
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| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/06/22 15:34 |
It was the night of the big symphony concert, and all the town
notables showed up to hear it. However, it was getting close to 8
o'clock and the conductor hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager
was getting desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's
money if he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all
the musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around and asked the staff if any of
them could conduct. He had no luck there either, so he started asking
people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct
the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he went outside and started asking
everybody passing by if they could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever
and by this time the concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The
assistant manager came out to say that the crowd was getting restless
and about ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat, a dog, and a
horse standing in the street. "Oh, what the heck," he exclaimed,
"let's ask them--what do we have to lose?"
So the manager and assistant manager went up to the cat, and the
manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I
don't know, I'll try," but though it tried really hard, it just
couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and
thanked the cat, and then moved on to the dog.
"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you can conduct?" The dog woofed
"Let me see," but although it was able to stand up on its hind legs
and wave its front paws around, it just couldn't keep upright long
enough to last through an entire movement.
"Well, nice try," the manager told the dog, and with a sigh of
resignation turned to the horse. "Mr. horse," he asked, "how about
you--can you conduct?" The horse looked at him for a second and then
without a word turned around, presented its hind end, and started
swishing its tail in perfect four-four time.
"That's it!" the manager exclaimed, "the concert can go on!" However,
right then the horse dropped a load of plop onto the street. The
assistant manager was horrified, and he told the manager "We can't
have this horse conduct! What would the orchestra think?"
The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop
lying in the street and replied "trust me--from this angle, the
orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor!"
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A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
by Donn Laurence Mills
If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might
include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems
as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat.
The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of
habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional
methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes
attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the
music on the floor.
Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting,
crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is
under pressure.
Look the other way just before cues.
Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds.
Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the
impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there
as a personal favor.
Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity,
especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players:
drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but
cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for
several seconds.
Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet
players are trained to do this from birth).
Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in
tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not
playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a
note in your part.)
At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be
busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and
disappointing.
Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you
don't have the music.
Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always
sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the
piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good:
ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your
head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say
anything: make him wonder.
If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same
phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct
until backstage just before the concert.
Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that
others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better
yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he
is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of
life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music
degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A
conductor and music educator, he is also the American educational
director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
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