Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt,
and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you
love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess,
flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass
and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl
comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach
"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick
you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and
thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging
downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly,
you complain too much!"
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the
boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public
address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta
Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not
ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the
original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice
spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness
program.
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