| Jokes 1015 |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/10/14 23:23 |
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got
into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St.
Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could
marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St.
Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest
and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months
the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working
out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find
a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
=====
An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.
"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky
voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?"
=====
A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's elevator. On the second
floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She arrogantly
says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling
lovely as well. She turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel,
$150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor is approaching and as the doors open, she looks
at the two young ladies, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49
cents a pound."
=====
A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and
receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're
free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the
Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his
fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as
well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the
blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then
sits down in the chair and farts.
"Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?"
"That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."
"No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!"
=====
Saint Patrick's Day Bar Troubleshooting
Amusing ( 19 votes ) | Views: 1043
PRINT | IM - AWAY MESSAGE
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front
of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as
many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the
owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as
compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in
progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain
loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent
light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking
arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself
to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot
see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat
yourself to a lie-in.
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