How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.
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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five
iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him
what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced
her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I
was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at
its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough,
there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the
cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like
yours!"
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A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a
bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the
bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to
find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's
balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his
meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the
waiter over to complain.
"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"
"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."
==========
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees
a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding
her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football, I can catch him"
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to
Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to
catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one
handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks
into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his
knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
==========
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog
down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body
and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is
dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,
demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the
cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from
head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at
the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but
the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks
from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet
looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is
dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks
how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my
initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab
tests."
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