On Sat, 09 Aug 2008 12:31:52 GMT, "Rolex" <rolex@astraweb.com> wrote:
>The world has changed..........
>
> Admiral Horatio Nelson and Hardy.
>
> Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy!'
>
> Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'
>
> Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
> the meaning of this?'
>
> Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'
>
> Nelson (reading aloud): 'England expects every person to do his (or her)
> duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
> or disability'.
> What gobbledygook is this?'
>
> Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
> employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
> censors, lest it be considered racist.'
>
> Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'
>
> Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
> working environments.'
>
> Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
> brace to steel the men before battle.'
>
> Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
> Government's policy on binge drinking.'
>
> Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...full
> speed ahead.'
>
> Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
> stretch of water.'
>
> Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
> history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
> please.'
>
> Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'
>
> Nelson: 'What?'
>
> Hardy: 'Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
> And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
> anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'
>
> Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'
>
> Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
> Admiral.'
>
> Nelson: 'Wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle? I've never heard anything so
> absurd.'
>
> Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
> environment for the differently abled.'
>
> Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
> even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by
> playing the disability card.'
>
> Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
> areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'
>
> Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'
>
> Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
> the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
> breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'
>
> Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
> men to stand by to engage the enemy.'
>
> Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'
>
> Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny.'
>
> Hardy: 'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
> with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
> lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'
>
> Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'
>
> Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'
>
> Nelson: 'We're not?'
>
> Hardy: 'No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
> now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
> this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'
>
> Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'
>
> Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Coordinator hear you saying
> that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.'
>
> Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
> King.'
>
> Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
> Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life'
>
> Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
> sodomy and the lash?'
>
> Hardy: 'As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
> corporal punishment.'
>
> Nelson: 'What about the sodomy?'
>
> Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.'
>
> Nelson: 'In that case ...kiss me, Hardy....'
>
> Hardy: 'Yes sir, that will be fine ....'
I haves this someswheres in me sea chest, Matey... But always a good
read when 'hit appears!
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