The world has changed..........
Admiral Horatio Nelson and Hardy.
Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy!'
Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'
Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this?'
Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'
Nelson (reading aloud): 'England expects every person to do his (or her)
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability'.
What gobbledygook is this?'
Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist.'
Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'
Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments.'
Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle.'
Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.'
Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...full
speed ahead.'
Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water.'
Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please.'
Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'
Nelson: 'What?'
Hardy: 'Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'
Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'
Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral.'
Nelson: 'Wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle? I've never heard anything so
absurd.'
Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.'
Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by
playing the disability card.'
Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'
Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'
Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'
Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy.'
Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'
Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny.'
Hardy: 'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'
Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'
Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'
Nelson: 'We're not?'
Hardy: 'No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'
Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'
Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.'
Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King.'
Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life'
Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?'
Hardy: 'As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment.'
Nelson: 'What about the sodomy?'
Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.'
Nelson: 'In that case ...kiss me, Hardy....'
Hardy: 'Yes sir, that will be fine ....'
--
Rolex
"May Dragons Fly Ever in your Dreams"
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