How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor
Buy a steel dumpster, paint it haze-gray inside and out, and live in
it for six months.
Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
Repaint your entire house every month. Color Choices-Haze Grey or Dark
Grey
Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always refer to it as the
"head"). Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub(shower-stall)
and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take a shower, make
sure you turn off the water while you soap down. (Wet down, turn off
water, soap down, Turn on water rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood
Showers are showers that last more than one(1) Minute)
Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.
Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every week.
On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the
water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use
too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. (call
it "water hours")
Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn
over without getting out and then getting back in. Put all your
clothes under your mattress to press them!
Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after
you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry,
wrong rack."
Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house
-dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. (call it "PQS-
Qualifications")
Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am, blow a whistle loudly,
and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am
while she reads it to you. (call it "Morning Muster Call")
Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
leave your house before 3 pm. (call it "Early-Liberty")
Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three
times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Stop referring to the
garbage bins as "SHIT-CAN's")
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to
you. (call it "Mail Call")
Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have
your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
(call it "Movie Call")
Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
pantry or refrigerator.
Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When
they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but
they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a horse cock sandwich . Repeat
daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.( Horse
cock= BOLOGNA)
Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.
Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich OR HORSE COCK on stale bread. (Midrats=MIDNIGHT RATIONS)
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At
the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button
your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out
into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it "FIRE DRILL")
Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard
port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them
in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of
the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready."
After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up
the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
(SOUND-POWERED TELEPHONES)
Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done
when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (call it
"QUARTERDECK WATCH")
When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair,
sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make
sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket and a
bucket so you can puke in it.
Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per
pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to
boiler room for some BT (Boiler Tech) coffee made from feed water,
nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it, drinking hot coffee when
in 145 down there in front of the boilers, that's a cool day! In the
Persian Gulf it gets hotter!
Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears, and tell the barber just a little off the sides.
Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney
World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip
to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for
an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the
house because you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.
Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!
Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on your
wife's butt cheeks or a Choo Choo train coming out your butt hole.
Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in practice, chewing not
required!
Shout out every time a women comes into your room, "female in
quarters"!
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