| Actions On - A Plan |
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| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/07/18 19:07 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Actions On - A Plan
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Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2008 01:07:11 GMT
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Actions On - A Plan
With thanks to Commander:
Infantry. Can't read plan but takes it very seriously nevertheless.
Fablons plan and issues it on orange card to every man, with Sgts
carrying spare plans just in case. Mortar Pl make their own plan,
which is heavier, and issue 2 to everyone else in Bn.
Parachute Regiment. Plans are for Hats. Deploys first on any operation
that appears, while everyone else is still writing plans. Jumps, lands
in wrong place, taking 50% casualties in ankle injuries and leaving
ammunition behind in Colchester.
Cavalry. Looks at plan but sees arrows and realises plan involves
degree of navigation that could be considered constraining to
manoeuvre. Opts to drive off at speed until track sheds and then have
impromptu Pimms party. Ad hoc plan ruined by lack of Pimms filters.
Applies to join AAC as Apache pilot.
Royal Marines Commando. Pretends to be very laid back about plan and
talks about drinking and being naked instead but secretly gets very
competitive about plan, using senior Navy men to say plan can only
work with Commandos because it requires poise, reach and hoofing wets.
Combat Engineer. Likes plans. Takes plan and adds whole new bits, with
diagrams no-one else understands or cares about. Still adding new bits
when plan changes at which point previous work becomes irrelevant. Has
a huff and blames Chieftain chassis for not allowing Engrs to keep up
with pace of everyone else's thinking.
Artillery. Also likes plans. Makes very detailed plans, with numbers,
timings and smoke. Talks a lot about HE, smoke and last safe moments.
Everyone recognises last safe moment was passed as soon as Gunners
allowed anywhere near plan. Despite plan all guns just keep firing
until ammo runs out. Commanders lucky enough not to have Artillery
support feel safe enough to get on with battle and win. Remainder hide
under map table until firing ceases then call for ambulances. After
firing Gunner officers check all guns are still pointing roughly in
the direction of the enemy. Random shots rearward are put down as
encouragement to log chain to bring up more ammo.
Special Forces. Writes plan in pencil on back of "Max Factor Make-up
for Boys Compac". Checks for tan-lines and makes sure no-one else has
a scooby doo what plan is. Ensures plan is different from one everyone
else working to and checks that it will make suitable story for follow
on novel on exit from service. Places tape over eyes, can't see plan
anymore and gets captured by locals - ideal Chapter for novel only if
captors can be encouraged to participate in sexual humiliation.
REME. Happy to see plan but disturbed by lack of attention to Health
and Safety issues. Places yellow warning sign in front of plan (which
everyone trips over) and issues COSHH instructions on actions to take
if you get plan in your eye. Reviews plan in light of Investors in
People requirements ensuring that all aspects of the plan meet each
to operational objectives. Forwards to RAC / AA Breakdown service for
action.
RLC. On encountering plan immediately looks for Annex on
sustainability. If one is present immediately guffaws at lack of
detail and doubles all timelines. If not present, stays silent to
avoid having to write one. Says that plan depends on key enablers
(chefs, posties, small round blokes with clipboards and Penfold
glasses) and demands doubling of logistic staff to carry out plan.
Goes off for double lunch.
AGC. Receives plan in envelope, opens it and sticks it at bottom of
huge pile of paperwork which includes MMA and Missed Meals claims.
Royal Signals. Uses plan to bolster rather poor profile by
incorporating term J6 everywhere. J6 becomes hugely important without
anyone knowing why. J6 reps with J6 plan appear everywhere but stay
strangely silent during any meaningful discussion. If questioned J6
rep sucks teeth and says 'Bandwidth' before sinking back into silence.
Non-J6 types begin to wonder whether weedkiller can halt J6 spread,
but J6 mutates into J6/DBM and grows faster. Plan stays silent and
prevents close scrutiny by exuding streams of 1s and 0s to deter
investigation.
Army Medical Services. Doesn't like plans because they always involve
cuts. Gets confused because cuts mean more business. Has crisis of
contradiction and has to get TA doctors in from NHS to sort problem
out.
Intelligence Corps. Looks closely at plan and assesses its relevance
to resurgent Russia. While studying, plane flies into Old War Office.
Survivors spend huge staff effort working out how to predict when
planes will be flown into buildings. Libyan ship with all Irish crew
crawls slowly up Thames unnoticed.
TA. TA declare parlous state of Army means they are more important to
plan than ever. Army agrees, cuts them by 30%, spends money on
operational welfare package telephones and then cannibalises their kit
to get ready for operations.
RAF. Copies plan onto leg, gets in to aircraft, takes off and then
finds leg can't be seen because of joystick. Decides to use initiative
and at 20,000 feet starts looking for enemy tanks. Succeeds in finding
tank looking remarkably like Chinese Embassy and misses it. Relieved
as pilot in aircraft behind, who can see leg, gets Embassy while
aiming for nearby Air Defence site. Both fly back and complain about
noisy air conditioning in hotel room and lack of streaky bacon on
breakfast menu.
Royal Navy. Only Captain grown-up enough to plan. Everyone else sits
at brightly coloured screen pretending to know what plan is. Captain
goes to bed early and other officer, not knowing plan is 'not to sail
on rocks', sails on rocks. New plan devised called how to sell ship
with no bottom to Third World Country whilst fitting in a run ashore
in Gibralter and visit by Nell McAndrew .
Joint Helicopter Command. Draw up plan to get 360 helicopters into air
with 400 flying hours. Each time plan close to approval another
helicopter crashes. Come up with plan to prevent helicopters crashing
but plan and author lost in helicopter crash. Decision taken to
undertake urgent review of design of flying suits (pockets / zips /
velcro / badges etc.) in light of alarming increase in helicopter
crashes based on low pilot morale / "pilot error."
Defence Logistic Organisation. Looks at potential for plan to offer 3%
efficiency measures. Finds none but cuts by 3% anyway. Concludes that
most sensible plan involves not buying anything, listing this course
of action as 'bearing risk', and then investing in risk management
courses. War declared and funds rapidly diverted into courses on Red
Face Management.
Whitehall Warrior. Only interested in plan if it is 'strategic'.
Declares strategic plan is most important but can't be bothered to get
off bum and write one. Everyone else starts to plan while waiting and
by time strategic plan eventually gets written everyone has decided
what they are going to do already. Whitehall Warrior then stresses
need for strategic plan in next DOC audit and goes for coffee in
Starbucks.
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