British Army Answer Phone
Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units
are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a
message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the
specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we
have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern
Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac
in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will
return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to
the following numbers:
a. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal
Marines.
b. If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels
and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2
for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not
available after 1630 or at weekends.)
c. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a
warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first
class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea
Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.
Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army
(please, please, please, although retention is fine and we are right
up to strength) and wish to be liberalised yet paradoxically AGAI'd,
paid little, have premature Arthritis, put your wife and family (or
gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation; and are
prepared to work your balls off day and night whilst watching the
Treasury eroding your origanal terms and conditions and promising a
better pension , serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up
rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and
binmen have a little holiday; then please stay on the line. Your call
will shortly be passed onto a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant
in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the
railway station.
Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British
Army
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