| Jokes 20 |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/06/20 22:03 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Jokes 20
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Date: Sat, 21 Jun 2008 04:03:45 GMT
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A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The
marine finishes first and
washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine
says to him: hey, in the
marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The
sailor says: yeah well, in
the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.
=====
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
OFFICE IN LONDON--
written from Central Spain, August 1812
Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by
H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our
headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and
tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's
Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the
character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every
farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions
for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there
has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam
issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain.
This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of
circumstance, since we are at war with France, a fact which may
come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. This
brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I
construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as
given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability,
but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the
benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of
Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington
=====
From one of Tom Clancy's books:
Commanding officer: "Alright! How about an attitude check???"
Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"
CO: "Now, let's be more positive..."
Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"
CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..."
Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"
CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?"
Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"
=====
A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright,
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get
over here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several
rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off
that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains
too!"
=====
The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."
The CO said "I see millions of stars."
1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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