THURSDAY JOKES
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How To Give Your Cat a Pill
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows,
just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's
a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with
left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into
its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good
cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve
cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel
on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist
impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man --
or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
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It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the sheer dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease
the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom,
and flirt w/the ape.
She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
to tear the bars down.
The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
you have a headache."
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Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him
of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no
lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer
down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms
in his mouth...
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