| Grab Bag |
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| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/05/09 13:32 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Grab Bag
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Date: Fri, 09 May 2008 19:32:13 GMT
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STORIES
=======
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"
----------
Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon
be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a
man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no
longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to
the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good old fashioned
stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.
Also, something to think about: the long-term implications of drugs
and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few
years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than
was spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by
the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering
around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to
do with them.
----------
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
----------
Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A
statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even
rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck
by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat
in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he
purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then,
standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of
snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
**********
POEM
====
Advice in Abundance
Unsolicited advice free and abundant:
So much of it there its often redundant.
When I was a lad and easily impressed:
I listened and nodded at the experts' behest.
Opinions they flaunted on a scale universal:
Expounding at length without forethought or rehearsal.
With style and emotion, each made a case:
Of factual content there was rarely a trace.
Middle age found me as the consummate cynic:
Quick to retort and given to mimic.
With the passage of time I relaxed my position:
Improvised wisdom doesn't require a logician.
In the twilight of life there is time for a chat:
I now render advice at the drop of a hat.
**********
QUOTES
======
"It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs."
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
----------
"Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure."
-- Unknown
----------
"Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits
and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
extermination."
-- An English subtitle used in a Hong Kong film
----------
"When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
him to the station?"
"Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
-- Unknown Prosecution, Unknown Defense
----------
The man who fears no truths has nothing to fear from lies.
- Thomas Jefferson
**********
JOKES
=====
What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?
If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.
----------
The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled
and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."
----------
Australia.
Where men are real men And sheep are scared shitless
And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely
different
**********
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