| GRAB BAG [7.20.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/20 18:51 |
JOKES:
This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic
walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his
lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.
He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope
you don't
mind but I'm busting to have a piss".
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why
don't you go behind these bushes".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through
a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his
hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a
long,
thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!".
"No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
-----------------
A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another
razor.
"Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this
one?"
"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a
chance to defend myself."
---------------
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
--------------
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He
inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to
go to 225 West 42nd St.
By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist.
Being
met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued
him.
She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and
someone
would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was
really
getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this
house
offered.
Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and
found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."
"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll
take
my business elsewhere."
------------------
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.
=========================
STORIES:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler
was
Ms. Robertson's son.
--------------------
A new study says spanking is bad for kids, however, experts are a bit
suspicious of the findings - the study was written in crayon.
-----------------
Judges don't always seem to make sense. A man found himself in front
of a
judge on two matters. In the first, the man's wife was trying to get a
divorce because he was impotent. In the second, his secretary wanted
child
support. The man lost both cases!
---------------
When his .38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it
worked.
-------------
Sign on a church bulletin board:
You aren't too bad to come in, You aren't good enough to stay out.
==========================
POEM:
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious Lieutenant Major,
Ben proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of the Hayden Octet in B-Major.
==========================
QUOTES:
One should love animals
They are so tasty.
----------------
"His ignorance is encyclopedic"
- Abba Eban
---------------
The only thing you can do easily is be wrong,
and that's hardly worth the effort.
----------------
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
----------------
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown
with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
----------------
Seen on a bumper sticker...
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
======================
LIST:
New Slang Dictionary as of 2001
1. AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
2. AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
3. BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
4. BEAVER LEAVER
A homosexual.
5. BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise
at 3 in the morning.
6. BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how
you get there, and where you've come from.
7. BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not
remember
it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have
caught the beer scooter".
8. BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
9. BOILER SUIT
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus
aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually
brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday
night.
10. BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is
watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
11. BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
12. BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
13. BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
14. BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
The female erection.
15. BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling
scene
in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. "I don't like the look of that
aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler."
16. DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and
then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's
Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when
playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly
different.
17. DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is
common to visit one before going out on the booze.
18. ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her
nipples simultaneously.
19. FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
20. FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
21. FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
22. FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a
speed.
23. GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff
member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food
afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
24. GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
25. HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
26. JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to
show
their level of training.
27. MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed
from
the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
28. MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa!Aa! Aa!"
29. MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the
'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
30. MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back
in.
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