| GRAB BAG [7.19.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/19 11:44 |
JOKES:
MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
"Thanks,"
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained,
"The egg timer's broken."
--------------
One night , after the couple had retired for
the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
started by running his hand across her shoulders and
the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he
proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,
sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the
other side to a point below her waist. He continued
on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then
the other. His hand ran further down the outside of
her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the
inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned
to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused
and she squirmed a little to better position
herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to
his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping darling?" she
whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote!"
--------------------
Why do Farts stink?
So that Deaf people can enjoy them too.
-------------------
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at
the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very
busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous
customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer
and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the
waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his
coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before,
rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet
where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and
puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her
hands are full. After she has served the two plates she was holding,
she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you
want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them
into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says,
"You wouldn't dare!"
---------------
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
ship after a big night ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain
threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him
he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting on me!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that
the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief
mate why. "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he`d also
shit in your pants."
-------------------
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very
small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to
reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves
closer to the boys position. He steps smartly across the street, walks
up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the
child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently
and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
--------------------
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.
==============
STORIES:
Have you heard about this case? Great answer from the judge!
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter
and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the
discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations
afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists
had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to
the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his
gavel and declared "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said,
"Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The
Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews
have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my client and all other
atheists have no such holiday!"
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said,
"Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less
celebrate his own atheists' holiday!"
The lawyer pompously said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of
any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your
Honor?"
The judge said, "Well it comes every year on exactly the same
date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools
Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53 states, 'The fool says in his
heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says
there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his
holiday!
Got it?"
------------------
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients
always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and
some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11
a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few
minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside
the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all
about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy
objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11..!
. Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
unplugged the life support system so that he could! ! ! ! use the
vacuum cleaner.
===============
QUOTES:
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my
life unless I buy something."
--------------------
"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me."
GW Hegel.
-------------------
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
--------------------
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
===============
LIST:
Actual label instructions on consumer goods
1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
2. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Don 't turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???...)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)
14. On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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