| GRAB BAG [7.10.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/10 13:58 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [7.10.07]
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Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2007 19:58:21 GMT
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JOKES:
How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?
Mace...
----------
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken
to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your
secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,
my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you
wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very
efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed
her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."
----------
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his
friend at the next barstool.
"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way
too much," answered the equally wasted gent.
"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years
and years now!"
----------
So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that
things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be
on time and that they will work for many long hours. The timpanist,
expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the
drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around
furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!"
==========
STORIES:
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the
flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"
----------
[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man
died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the
Mammoth mountain ski area while riding down the
slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew
David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela
Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3
a.m. The Mono County Sheriff's Department said
Hubal and his friends had apparently hiked up a
ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow
foam protectors from the lift towers. Lieutenant
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department said the pads are used to protect
skiers who might hit the towers. The group
apparently used the pads to slide down the ski
slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has
since been investigated that the tower he hit was
the one with its pad removed.
----------
A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was
giving a
speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off
while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir
Winston
by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill
sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
----------
Some time ago I was hosting a State Dinner, when at the last minute my
regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short
notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking
man named John. I voiced my concerns to my Chief of Staff but was told
that this was the best they could do at such short notice, according
to the Head of the Household Staff.
Unbeknown to me, but later reported, the following events occurred.
Just before the meal, the Chief of Staff noticed the cook sticking his
fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the Head
of the Household Staff about the cook, but he was told that this man
was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay but I was sure that the soup tasted a little off,
and by the time dessert came, I was starting to have stomach cramps
and nausea. It was getting worse and worse, until finally I had to
excuse myself from the State Dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing
through the kitchen, I caught sight of the cook, John, scratching his
rear end and this made me feel even worse. By now I was desperately
ill with violent cramps and was so disoriented that I couldn't
remember which door led to the bathroom.
I was on the verge of passing out from the pain when I finally found a
door that opened and as I undid my trousers and ran in, I realized to
my horror that I had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with my
trousers around my knees.
As I was just about to pass out, Monica bent over me and heard her
President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."
And that your Honor, is how the whole misunderstanding started.
----------
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
(Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the trash." (Randy, 8)
==========
QUOTES:
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
----------
I never let schooling interfere with my education
--Mark Twain
----------
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will do the most damage will go wrong first.
----------
"I think - therefore I'm single."
- Lizz Winstead
==========
LIST:
Shortest Books Ever Written (Part II)
1. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
2. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
3. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
4. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
5. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
6. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
7. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
8. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
9. MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
10. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
12. DETROIT: A Travel Guide
13. LIVING WITH DISEASE by DR. J. Kevorkian
14. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
15. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
16. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
17. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
18. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
19. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
20. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
21. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton, introduction by The Rev.
Jessie Jackson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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