| GRAB BAG [7.9.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/09 18:28 |
JOKES
What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
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The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's
milk was better for babies than cow's milk.
This is the answer he submitted:
1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.
He also added: "It comes in such cute containers."
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I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one
of
each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a
shag.
My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just
to
see what flavour i was wearing.
The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour",
The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavour",
The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour",
and so on, until we had reached the final flavour,
and she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour"
"Cheese flavour ??" i said "I haven't put one on yet!"
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A girl runs home to her mother crying, "I can't marry Joe! He's an
atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything! "Don't worry,
Honey," said her mom. "But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell!
"Don't
worry, Honey," repeated her mom, "you marry him...and we'll convince
him!"
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STORIES
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even
if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of
bills." (Ava, 8)
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STATISTICALLY SPEAKING
Germany was frequently bombing Russia during World War
II. Every time the air raid siren sounded, people rushed to
the nearest air raid bomb shelter. One person who never
took shelter was a professor of statistics. He argued that
there are seven million people in Russia and the probability
of a bomb actually dropping on him was very small. Then
suddenly one day when the air raid siren was sounded the
professor rushed to the air raid shelter along with his
neighbours from the building.
"Lost your nerver professor ?"asked one of his aquaitances.
" NO" said the professor " but I have realized that the bombs
do not observe the laws of probability. There were seven
million people and one elephant in Russia . Yesterday they
got the elephant."
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POEM
A young girl who was no good at tennis
But at swimming was really a menace
Took pains to explain,
"It depends how to train;
I was a streetwalker in Venice."
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QUOTES
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And
she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
-Gary Shandling
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"One's action ought to come out of an achieved
stllness; not to be a mere rushing on."
- D. H. Lawrence
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"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be
watching television by candlelight."
George Gobal
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Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
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The plane was so fast that it took off from Los Angeles with two
rabbits and landed in New York with two rabbits.
-Joey Adams
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I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's
because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother
know
THAT?
- Wendy Liebman
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LIST
Variations On Murphy's Law
1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they
have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the
tiger starves last.
4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you
had better let him lead.
5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
always leave room for the mouse.
6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is
faster.
7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work
in the past tense.
11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who
knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.
15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.
18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way
programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came
along would have destroyed civilization.
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