| GRAB BAG [7.1.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/07/01 10:37 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [7.1.07]
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Date: Sun, 01 Jul 2007 16:37:57 GMT
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JOKES:
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip
the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.
---------------------
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been
informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my
company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be
counseling the big bosses on relations with their
secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I
popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense
accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever
wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."
-------------------------
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in
the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the
doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The
husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STORIES:
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting
to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop
and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
------------------------
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get
the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
-------------------------
Go into Wendy's around 9:00 p.m. Nobody in the store. I
ordered a Frosty. The guy at the counter pushed the little
button on his register and leaned into the microphone and said
"Frosty". He then proceeded to turn around and draw the drink
HIMSELF! I asked why he used the mike, and his response
was, "That's the way I was trained to do it. If I don't, I get
confused".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POEMS:
Redneck family tree
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
----------------------
An erotic neurotic named Syd
Got his Ego confused with his Id.
His errant libido
Was like a torpedo,
And that's why he done what he did.
-----------------------
An orgasm can be oh so fine
A multiple one quite divine
But if you should moan
And it's not your own
You faked it you bullshitting swine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUOTES:
Well, aren't we just a ray of stinking sunshine?
----------------------
"You don't change the way people think by changing what they say. You
change the way people think with HEADLESS CHARRED BODIES FLYING
THROUGH
THE AIR. BLOOD! FLAMES! HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION!"
-- Alastair J. R. Young
----------------------
Calkin's Law of Menu Language
The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description
of a
menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
------------------------
"Applaud friends, the comedy is over."
-Ludwig van Beethoven's last words
------------------------
Priest is someone addressed by everyone as "Father"
except his children who call him "uncle".
------------------------
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.
She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LIST:
Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that
it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through"
it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. Tell the stupid-fucking OJ knock, knock joke & laugh at it.
51. As you are walking out, push as many buttons as you can.
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