JOKES:
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's
Angels motorcycle gang member????
Someone who comes to your door and tells *you* to fuck off!
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A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that
it
is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything.
Out
the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now
or
never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a
parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds
a
toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop
assistant.
When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".
The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending
manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which
Barbie
would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant
continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes
to
the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates
BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie
Goes
Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced
Barbie
for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced
Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
-------------
A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss
sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but
come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB
radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.
"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the
dark."
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull
bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and
squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt
me!"
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in
the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass
off the road and come on home."
"Okay, boss."
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from
the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the
problem, son?"
"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the
truck."
---------------
The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed
postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left
towm.
Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the
postmaster to
inquire why.
They received this short and simple explantion: "The bag ain't full
yet."
----------------
A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist
suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first
picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what
he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he
sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.
At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and
says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."
And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."
-------------
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather
bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she
said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed.
"One-twelve,"
said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode
the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton
candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be
weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight,
thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a
headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,
"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy,"
said the girl.
-------------
Blondes Protective Computer Gear
Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new
secretary (a very attractive blonde) in the office down the hall from
me.
She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work,
can you help me ?" she asked. I told her I'd take a look and
proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear
plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging
out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall
trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief,
I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said. "Condom???", I asked. "Yes,
John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk
before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."
By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to
keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5"
plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke
had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked
(as serious as one could be), "Does that mean I don't have to stroke
it ten times or blow on it either???"
=============
STORIES:
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif.,
as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had
placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the
base of his skull as he hit the floor.
-------------
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.
------------
SNOW REPORT . . .
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks.
True story...we had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
were laughing so hard!
==========
POEMS:
A girl on a southern plantation
Was the product of insemination.
So each fathers' day
She would send a bouquet
To a syringe in a far away nation.
-------------
A cowhand way out in Seattle
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
He said, "No, I can't fuck
A lamb or a duck,
But golly! it just fits the cattle."
===========
QUOTES:
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long
enough to get money from it
Stephen Leacock
----------------
Society is like a stew.
If you don't keep it stirred up, you get a lot of scum on top.
- Edward Abbey
-------------
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
------------
Ecstasy - A feeling you feel when you feel you are going to
feel a feeling you never felt before.
------------
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
------------
"All true wisdom is found on T-shirts."-- Anon.
=============
LIST:
If Men Got Pregnant...
1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
14. Women would rule the world.
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