| GRAB BAG [6.24.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/06/24 14:14 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [6.24.07]
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Date: Sun, 24 Jun 2007 20:14:39 GMT
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JOKES:
What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?
Between you and me we could make a lot of money!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the
pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's
grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says
here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be
145
years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what
else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell
from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and
was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no
doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and
whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on
that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one
on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an
apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she
looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So
the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you
done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25
years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come
back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from
the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come
here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she
asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
=============================================
STORIES:
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place, we
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred... then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said
that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood
there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation.
I headed straight out the front door...............
There, leaning against my car, was her husband, my father-in-law to
be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell
my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little
test"
was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including the fact that
the
reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
Signed,
Confused
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bizarre Suicide
On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a
shotgun.
Investigation to that point had revealed that the deceased had jumped
from
the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit suicide (he
left a note indicating his despondency). As he passed the 9th floor on
the way
down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window,
killing
him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a
safety
net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window
washers
and that the deceased would not have been able to complete his intent
to
commit suicide because of this.
Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with a suicide
intent
ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be not what
he
intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death nine stories
below
probably would not change his mode of death from suicide to homicide.
But
the fact that his suicide intent would not have been achieved under
any
circumstance caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide
on his
hands.
Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th
floor
from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man
and
his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun because of an
inter-spousal spat and became so upset that he could not hold the
shotgun
straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed
his
wife and the pellets went through the window striking the deceased.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one
is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man was confronted with
this
conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant in stating that
neither
knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the longtime habit of the old
man
to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun. He had no intent to
murder
her; therefore, the killing of the deceased appeared then to be
accident.
That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
But *further* investigation turned up a witness that their son was
seen
loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. That
investigation showed that the mother (the old lady) had cut off her
son's
financial support and her son, knowing the propensity of his father to
use
the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that
the
father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on
the part
of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly
despondent
over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered. This led
him to
jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a
shotgun
blast through a 9th story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't
want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
=================================================================
POEMS:
There was an old man of Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose,
And his fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
----------------------------------------------------------
There once was a eunuch of Roylem,
Took two eggs to the cook and said, "Boil 'em.
I'll sling 'em beneath
My inadequate sheath,
And slip into the harem and foil 'em."
=================================
QUOTES:
If the end does not justify the means - what can?
- Edward Abbey
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Margaret Thatcher:
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman.
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