| GRAB BAG [6.22.07] |
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| ::darkshadows:: (bloody@mary.org) |
2007/06/22 17:29 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <bloody@mary.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GRAB BAG [6.22.07]
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Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2007 23:29:43 GMT
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JOKES:
A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre,
goes
in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust
to
the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master
in
the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be
enjoying
the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at
the
sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After
the
movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,
"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"
"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wellsburg, Iowa, received a check
for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to
go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for
not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to
raise?
I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be
totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours,
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside
with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's
seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat
calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked
up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading
this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's
knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve
minutes she'll be eighteen."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
STORIES:
I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone
solicitors weren't able to call people at home during dinner hour.
But that doesn't make it any more pleasant.
Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has
proposed "Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a
telemarketing operation that would stop the nuisance for all time. The
three little words are "Hold On, Please."
Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of
hanging up immediately would make each telemarketing call so time-
consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt. When you
eventually
hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone, you know it's time to go
back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its
task.
This might be one of those articles you'll want to e-mail to your
friends. Three little words that eliminate telephone soliciting.
________________________________________
Jim Fixx:
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started
the
jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack....while jogging
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house
and
began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive
coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was
99%
clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70%
blocked....and
that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.
On our last vacation, my wife and I saved some money by staying in
a cheap hotel. Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds
of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room.
At first we were amused by the amorous couple.
After five minutes it had lost its charm.
After ten minutes we were getting pretty annoyed, in that it was
keeping us awake.
After fifteen minutes, we were just plain ticked off.
After half an hour we were pretty damned impressed.
My cousin Denney came to visit from the farm last summer. I asked how
his bus ride was and he said he had a good ride except for a rude lady
he encountered.
I asked what the problem was, and he said that when the lady got on
there were no seats left, so he offered her his seat. She declined
since she was only riding for a short distance. However, while she was
standing with her butt right in his face, he noticed her dress was
caught up in her crack. He decided to be nice and help her so he
pulled it out.
Well, she turned around and wopped him hard enough to turn his lights
out!
Then I asked him what he did then?
And Denney said that since she was that rude, he poked the dress right
back in there!
---------------------------------------------------------------
QUOTES:
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
* The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions.
The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting
2. fleeing
3. feeding
4. mating
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
A bath is something you take when you find yourself in
hot water.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
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