| Grab Bag [6.7.07] |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (over@there.com) |
2007/06/07 18:27 |
Thursday Grab Bag [6.7.07]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's jokes
-----
Diary Entries
AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The
hills are so majestic. I can hardly wait to see them with snow
covering
them. I love it here.
OCT. 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are
turned
all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through
the
beautiful hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly
they
are the most wonderful animal on Earth. This must be paradise. I
love it
here.
NOV. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting
to
kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon, I love it
here.
DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in
white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the
snow off
the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won),
and
when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What
a
beautiful place. I love Ohio.
DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick
again to the driveway. I love it here.
DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to
get to
work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.
DEC. 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters
on my
hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner
and
waits till I'm done shoveling. Asshole.
DEC. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get
my
hands on that sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill
the
bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt
the
fucking ice.
DEC. 27 More of that White Shit last night. Been inside for 3 days
except
for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every
time.
Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit. The
weatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do
you
know how many shovels full 10" of snow is?
DEC. 28 The fucking weatherman was Wrong. We got 34" of that white
shit
this time. At this rate it won't melt before the middle of next
summer.
The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door
and
asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels
already shovelling the white shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke
my
last one right over his Fuckin' Head!
JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get
food
and on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit
it.
Did about $3000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those fucking beasts
should
be killed. Wished the hunters had got them all last November.
MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the
motherfucker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on the
roads?
MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind
wanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.
-----
What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after three periods.
-----
What do you give the paedophile who has everything?
Another parish
-----
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't
get
it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I
can
do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off
your
clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around.
Lie
down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he
said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
-----
GOD will save me
The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate
because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said
"GOD
will save me".
The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to
the
second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to
save
him. Again he said "GOD will save me".
Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get
on
the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him
and
yet again he said "GOD will save me".
It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man
died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you
save
me, GOD?"
And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why
did
you stay in the house?"
-----
Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as
much
fun as she used to be."
The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"
Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."
The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's
exhausted."
-----
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in
the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the
doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The
husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's stories
-----
Jeffrey J. Pyrcoch, 19, and an alleged accomplice were arrested in
West
Lafayette, Ind., in May on theft and fraud charges. Pyrcioch allegedly
cashed checks that he had written with disappearing ink, apparently
believing the checks would be blank by the time they were presented to
the bank for collection. However, traces of ink remained, and police
said
Pyrcoch would have a better chance of getting away with it if he had
not
used checks pre-printed with his name and account number on them.
-----
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have
sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this law?)
-----
My cousin Denney came to visit from the farm last summer. I asked
how his bus ride was and he said he had a good ride except for a
rude lady he encountered.
I asked what the problem was, and he said that when the lady got
on there were no seats left, so he offered her his seat. She
declined since she was only riding for a short distance. However,
while she was standing with her butt right in his face, he noticed
her dress was caught up in her crack. He decided to be nice and help
her so he pulled it out.
Well, she turned around and wopped him hard enough to turn his lights
out!
Then I asked him what he did then?
And Denney said that since she was that rude, he poked the dress right
back in there!
-----
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----
Colena was telling me about her buddy and *his* girlfriend.
They were working on a vehicle and using gasoline to clean the parts
with. It was a warm day and the gas was sitting in a coffee can in the
sun and eventually evaporated. Judi demanded to know what happened to
it. When they told her what happened, she asked what eveporation was.
So they told her it got hot in the sun & made it go away.... Judi's
reply...
"If you put it in the shade, will it come back?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's poems
-----
A big bollocksed dancer, Durango,
Had trouble while dancing Fandango,
The blood from his twirls
Overfilled the guys pearls
Which swelled to the size of a mango.
-----
I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be:
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
-----
Seven wise men with knoweldge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart and with,
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
Using a hammer and chissel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
With a piece of red velvet, he lines it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish, and gave it a smell.
Next came a pretcher whose name was McGee,
Touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a biker, dirty little nut,
Sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.
-----
A fair haired young damsel named Grace
Thought it very foolish to place
Her hand on your cock
When it turned hard as rock
For fear it would explode in her face.
-----
Ode to The Bobbits
There once was a Bobbitt named John
Who thaught he was quite the Don Juan
His wife disagreed
So the next time he wee'd
John couldn't locate his wand.
Lorena wished John could be nicer
But he wasn't much of a de-icer
If she finds a new spouse
Let us hope he's no louse
Or we might have our first serial slicer.
A surgeon was filled with great tension
Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention
He stitched and he sewed
Used all the skills that he knowed
But the wee thing won't stand at attention.
John Bobbitt was never a loner
In fact, he was known as a roamer
His wife seized his prize
And cut him to size
Now he is his own organ donor.
There once was a crime most venal
One might say 'twas inches from renal
It wasn't for sport
That she made him so short
Her intentions were nothing but penal.
The Bobbitt case sure is a dilly
Though it sounds a little bit silly
He said she's the hacker
Who lopped off his whacker
She said she was trying to Free Willy.
-----
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
-----
To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
She replied, "Why, you fool,
With your limp little tool
It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's quotes
-----
God is a comedian with an audience too afraid to laugh.
- Voltaire
-----
Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in
America whose bologna really did have a first name?
-----
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever.
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
-----
"So does anyone use goto in Ada?"
-- Dan Glastonbury
-----
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Catherine Zandonella
-----
Subject: Airheads
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
-- Mariah Carey
-----
Man has been called a rational being, but rationality is a matter of
choice - and the alternative his nature offers him is: rational being
or suicidal animal. Man has to be man - by choice; he has to hold his
life as a value - by choice; he has to learn to sustain it - by
choice; he has to discover the values it requires and practice his
virtues - by choice.
-- Ayn Rand, "Galt's Speech," Atlas Shrugged
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's Puzzle
Thirsty Farmer (Difficulty: 3 of 5)
A farmer needs 8 gallons of water. He has only three unmarked buckets,
two 6 gallon and one 11 gallon bucket.
How can he collect 8 gallons of water using three unmarked buckets?
Provide solution with minimal water wastage.
SOLUTION below
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Solution:
Following this through I make it that you wasted 16 gallons: 5 gallons
the first time the 11 gallon bucket is emptied and all 11 gallons the
second time it's emptied. This can be reduced to only wasting 10
gallons. For simplicity I'll represent each step with four numbers
showing the total in each bucket and the amount wasted so far as
follows:
6G1;6G2;11G;waste
0;0;0;0
6;0;0;0 - fill 6G1
0;0;6;0 - empty 6G1 into 11G
6;0;6;0 - refill 6G1
1;0;11;0 - fill 11G from 6G1 leaving 1gall in 6G1
1;6;5;0 - fill 6G2 from 11G leaving 5gall in 11G
1;6;0;5 - waste contents of 11G
1;0;6;5 - empty 6G2 back into 11G
1;6;6;5 - refill 6G2
1;1;11;5 - fill 11G from 6G2 leaving 1gall in 6G2
2;0;11;5 - transfer contents of 6G2 to 6G1
2;6;5;5 - fill 6G2 from 11G
2;6;0;10 - waste contents of 11G
0;0;8;10 - pour contents of 6G1 and 6G2 into 11G
Hey presto, 8 gallons in the 11 gallon bucket and only 10 gallons
wasted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|