[6.6.07]
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Today's jokes
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Have you ever wondered why you wonder why?
I used to wonder why, but now I don't wonder why I wonder why.
I wonder why I don't wonder why anymore?
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A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of
students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over
the loud-speaker system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept
repeating, "the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the
sound of my voice..." Pretty soon, he had every single student in the
audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.
Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the
stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am
gone" And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every
word is a command." As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone
cord, landed on his butt, and yelled "SHIT!"
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A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked
little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he
died?"
"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and
collapsed."
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WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out
to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a
Saturday
night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you
ruined
my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for
us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call,
and
99% of all men have made at least once. There are community
colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note!!!
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American
Style."
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate
him.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the
football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join
me?"
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One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided
to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good
looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment she
only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this
didn't affect their sex. They went at it hot and heavy all night long
then in the morning Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least
tell her his name, so he said to her, "I'm Mighty Thor and I have to
leave now." She looked at him and said, "You're thore I'm tho thore I
can hardly pith."
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Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my
ex-wife any money." Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not.
I am. You do."
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Today's stories
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Hello, my name is Antonio and I suffer from the guilt of not
forwarding
50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually
believe
that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a
breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
everyone to whom you send "his" e-mail, $1000?
LOL...How stupid are we?
"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll
get laid by a handsome hunk I just happen to run into the next day!"
LOL...What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was
started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget
pilgrims
on the Mayflower.
RIGHT...Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends,
and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive
a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't Fucking care.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave
you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. IF ITS
FUNNY SEND IT ON.
I DO NOT FEEL GUILTY feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no
teeth
who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose
only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward
this e-mail.
Now, forward this to everyone you know.
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and
will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day and if you ever send me another chain letter,
I'll personally send you a virus that will not only make your hard
drive crash but will make your ass fall off.
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Rubbermaid Inc. is recalling about 60,800 toboggans because
they can break apart, causing loss of control and injury. They
are sold under the brand name *Way-Too-Flexible-Flyers*.
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Jenn says her husband worked with this guy at the high school.
The guy wanted to measure the wall and he asked Mike (my
husband) for some assistance. Mike said, "why not use the
yardstick over there?" The guy looked at Mike and, very serious,
said, "I can't use that. The wall is longer than the yardstick."
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Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was
the
bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
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A friend of mine who happens to be quite a ladies man once asked my
sister for some directions to go to a place called rudauli which was
our home town. Not exactly sure herself about the route she told him
oh! I dont want to misguide you.
Pat came the reply You just guide me a miss I will manage myself
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Today's poems
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There once were two ladies from Birmingham
That dealy with matters not concerning them.
They reached under the robes
And tickled the globes
Of the bishop that then was confirming them
Now this bishop he wasn't a fool,
He knew what to do with that duel.
He whipped off his britches
And gave those two bitches
A foot of episcople tool.
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In the shade of an old apple tree,
Where between her fat legs, I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot
And it certainly looked good to me
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A habit uncouth and unsav'ry,
Kept the Bishop of Essex in slav'ry,
Midst shrieks, hoots, and howls,
He'd bugger large owls,
Which he kept in an underground av'ry.
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There once was a man named Sweenie,
who spilled some gin on his weenie.
So just to be couth,
he spilled some vermouth.
And then slipped his girl a Martini.
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There once was a kid named Darren
Who's room was surprisingly barren
He had no toys
Like all normal boys
But he did believe in sharing
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A depraved old Jew from Estretto
Buggered every young man in the ghetto.
He once had his hose in
A musician, composing,
Who said: "Not so slow---allegretto!"
(Yeah, I know it's nasty...)
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Fornication
Copyright; Robyn Scott
From her book 'It's Just a Matter of Perspective'
SEX is a TRANSACTION,
With emotional currency,
You're either lucky or an arsehole,
If you're getting it for free,
Some are prepared to barter flesh,
For company or affection,
A house, a car, a family,
Money or protection,
When morality is attached to
Guilt can reduce the pleasure,
Whereby with uninhibited
Comes ecstasy without measure.
There are those whom believe that, SEX is just for procreation,
While there are others for whom it is, Their favourite recreation,
There are people who only have,
SEX over the phone,
And others who are happy,
To do it on their own,
There are some who really get off,
On lingerie and leather,
And those who simply prefer,
To masturbate together.
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Today's quotes
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Notice how they do not so much fly, as plummet.
- Monty Python (Flying Sheep Sketch)
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I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
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"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
blender."
-- Unknown
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Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of
portraits by Picasso.
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"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
- J. Danforth Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President, September 21,
1988
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Samuel Colt- Inventor of the point-and-click interface.
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"Interestingly, most Unix utilities have a command line option which
will cause the system to rip the user's legs off and beat them to
death with the soggy ends. This is often the default behaviour." --
Bruce Murphy
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Today's Puzzle
Perimeter Equals Area (Difficulty: 3 of 5)
The perimeter of a rectangle in units equals its area in units
squared. (4,4), (3,6), and (6,3) are three possible pairs of lengths
for this rectangle.
Give another pair of positive integral sides for this rectangle or
prove why there isn't another pair.
SOLUTION below
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Solution:
Other than the three examples given, there isn't another pair.
Creating a formula for one side in terms of the other and calling the
sides a and b, you know that 2a+2b=ab. Adding -2b to both sides gives
2a=ab-2b. Factoring this gives 2a=(a-2)b, and dividing by (a-2) gives
2a/(a-2)=b.
Looking at this, you can rule out any values below 2 for a, as you
will end up with a negative result for either a or b. 2 can be
eliminated for a as it gives an undefined answer.
The only integers not greater than 4 but greater than 2 are accounted
for. (3,6) and (4,4), and 6 is accounted for in (6,3). No odd numbers
above 3 work for a, because you are dividing an even (2a) by an odd
(a-2).
No even numbers over 6 work either for a. Because as a gets larger, b
gets smaller, b must be less than 3 if a is greater than 6. But b
can't ever be less than or equal to 2, because (a/(a-2)) is never
going to quite equal 1-- it will always be more than 1. This means
that 2a/(a-2) must be over 2.
Since b has to be less than 3 and greater than 2, it can't be an
integer, because there are no integers less than 3 but greater than 2.
This proves that both the sides of a rectangle can't be integers if
they aren't (4,4), (3,6), or (6,3).
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