Today's jokes [6.3.07]
The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to
the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and
coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the
typing
of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed
'bored'."
-----
Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year
old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San
Francisco to Washington.
"For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you
and raped you!"
"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him
down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to
Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for
sexually transmitted diseases."
-----
THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to
a
young man.
Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence?
Look
how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own
two
hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me
McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I
planed
that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me
own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me
McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out
as
far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me
back.
I nailed it board by board. But do they call me
McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one
is
paying attention.
"But ya fuck one goat . . . "
-----
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating
by.
The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
shit?"
-----
My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult
time achieving an orgasm.
The Dr said "which position do you use?"
"Doggy style," said dumb shit.
"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see
if that works any better." said the Dr.
"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"
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Today's stories [6.3.07]
Something only recently discovered:
Due to an anticipated voter turnout much larger than
originally expected, the polling facilities may not
be able to handle the load all at once.
Therefore, Republicans are requested to vote on
Wednesday, November 8, and Democrats and Independents
on Tuesday, November 7. Please pass this message
along and help us to make sure that nobody gets left out.
2000 Presidential Election Commission
-----
Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon
be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a
man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no
longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to
the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good old fashioned
stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.
Also, something to think about: the long-term implications of drugs
and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few
years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than
was spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by
the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering
around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to
do with them.
-----
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed
(Bachelor
Of Education) Exams, which the father receives as: "Father, your
daughter
has been successful in BED."
-----
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could
help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with men's balls."
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Today's poems [6.3.07]
Kissing is a habit,
Fucking is a game.
Boys get all the pleasure,
Girls get all the pain.
He says that he loves you,
And you believe it's true,
But when your stomach starts to swell,
He says to hell with you.
15 minutes of pleasure,
9 months of pain,
3 days in the hospital,
A baby with no name.
The baby is a bastard,
The mother is a whore.
It never would have happened,
If the rubber hadn't tore.
-----
There was a young lass from Ignatius
Who lived in a garret quite spacious.
When she went to here auntie's
She always wore panties,
But alone in her garret,---good gracious.
-----
Each man that Miss Jones chose to wed with,
She first liked to paint the town red with,
For having made merry,
She then became very
Aroused and fantastic in bed with.
------
His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
-----
There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
-----
Roses are redish,
Violets are blueish,
If it wasn't for Christmas,
We'd all be Jewish.
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Today's quotes [6.3.07]
In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all
writers
are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you
have
to explain what a writer is.
- - - Geoffrey Cottrell
-----
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
-- Mariah Carey
-----
"A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his
morning meal.
'I would like to give you this personality test', said the outsider,
'because I want you to be happy.'
Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster,
saying: 'I wish the toaster to be happy, too.'"
-----
Nobody gets to run the mill by doing run-of-the-mill work.
- Thomas J. Frye
-----
Not all chemicals are bad. For example,
without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
there would be no way to make water,
a vital ingredient in beer.
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