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From: darkshadows <not@here.net>
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Subject: Today's Grab Bag [6.2.07] - Apis will never learn
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Date: Sat, 02 Jun 2007 21:21:57 GMT
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Today's jokes [6.2.07]
A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go duck hunting.
He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go duck
hunting
with me, I'll do ya anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna
load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I
get
back."
Hubby returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna
be?"
She say's, "There's no way I'm going duck hunting and you're not
doing
my ass so I guess it's a blowjob."
A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says,
"Jesus, you taste like shit."
"Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go duck huntin'
either."
-----
What do you call a dog with two balls and no hind legs?
Sparky
-----
One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. He sent one of
his
warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says
"Big
Chief, no shit". the doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the
chief
should be fine tomorrow.
The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next
morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big
chief, no shit". The doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give
them to the chief.
The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again
saying "big chief, no shit". The doctor gets annoyed and so gives the
warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief.
The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):
"Big shit, no chief".
-----
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest
explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few
paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What
landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the
circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,
except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest
and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money
into the air and what god wants, god takes."
-----
When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed
experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a
demagogue.
When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil
empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.
When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by
escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear
annihilation.
When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated
its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan
had nothing to do with it.
Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...
...what kind of fool am I?
--Jules Feiffer
-----
Two cows were talking in the field one day.
First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going
around?
Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?
-----
Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of
them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of
Emil's balls"
"Are they that big?" asked the other.
"No they're this dirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's stories [6.2.07]
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis
with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin,
Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested
a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to
Ken's head instead of a revolver.
-----
Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye
when they leave the house?
Of these same men 90% will kiss their house good-bye when
their wife leaves.
-----
My brother snores soo loud. Recently we went out west for
vacation, and he didn't snore at all...except the first night we
were there. It got to be so bad that I took my pillow, sheet, and
blanket and went into the bathroom to sleep. I put my stuff in
the bathtub, shut the door, and fell asleep in the tub. Me, being
the sound sleeper that I am, didn't hear the door open when my
brother had to use the toilet. Seeing me fast asleep in the
bathtub, he turned the water on. I slept right through the whole
thing until morning, when my sheet and blanket were soaked by
lukewarm water. I thought I wet the bed until my brother
confessed a few days later.
-----
Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates will donate $100 million to help
immunize children in developing countries against meningitis and
respiratory and diarrheal illnesses. With the shot, however, the
children will have Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 installed in them.
-----
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace ...
The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things that I started and
hadn't finished ... and before coming to work this morning I finished
off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and
Tia Maria, my Prozac, a couple of valiums, three cigars and a box of
chocolates.
You have no idea how freakin good I feel!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's poems [6.2.07]
A phenomenal fellow named Preston
Has a hair-padded lower intestine.
Though exceedingly fine
In the buggery line,
It isn't much good for digestin'.
-----
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who ecked out a living through sin.
She didn't mind fucking,
But much preferred sucking,
And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
-----
There once was a man from Nepal
Whose turds were exceedingly small.
He'd sit in his room
And shit on a spoon
And then flick his turds down the hall.
-----
When Angelico worked in cerise,
For the angel he painted his neice.
In a heavenly trance
He pulled off her pants,
And erected a fine alter-piece.
-----
There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were seemly connected at belly,
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Which they thought was vaginal jelly.
-----
There was a young peasant named Gorse
Who fell madly in love with his horse.
Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
That horse is a stallion---
This constitutes grounds for divorce."
-----
A Redneck's Ode to Valentines Day!
Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta wits.
And speakin' of wits,
You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me
Back in '74.
Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old
Like a '67 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new trollin' motor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's quotes [6.2.07]
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
- Lazarus Long, Time Enough for Love
-----
"This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money
I could have invaded some country."
Clint Eastwood.
-----
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger
-----
"Computers let you make more mistakes faster
than anything except handguns and tequila..."
- Mitch Ratcliffe
-----
"I went to watch Pavarotti once.
He doesn't like it when you join in."
Mick Miller.
-----
"I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write
faster than anybody who can write better. "
- A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)
-----
You can't study the darkness by flooding it with light.
- Edward Abbey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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