Clean Jokes about the Irish
1
Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."
2
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he
decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his
cousin walked by.
"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Caught anything?"
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer bait?"
"Worms"
"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin.
O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He
handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as
the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming
out.
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.
"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a
salmon by the throat!"
3
It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the
same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST.
Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to
welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one
thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks
or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed
to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as
he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by
one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she
said,"Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all
time."And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his
companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely
terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across
the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was
taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful,
graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped,
"I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I
don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of
a sudden I stepped on a duck."
4
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before
you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you
like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing
him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed
oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight
back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the
German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.
Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would
you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after
receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards
Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to
the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then
deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back,
what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the
German".
5
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when
they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought
he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that, I reckon,"
said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would
you be if the gallows had its due?" "Riding alone," coolly replied
Paddy.
6
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the
opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk
their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each
of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon
construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of
scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the
pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When
he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and
said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give
up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he
presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
7
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a
twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and
collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they
are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of
their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from
that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and
fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle
to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish
live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then
tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over
the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom
replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''
8
Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on
the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal
remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the
box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it
was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy,
one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.
Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They
opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure,
it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few
more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone
cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and
puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now,
boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"
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