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From: Lil Stinker NP-g07 <anywhere@uwant2.com>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Vatican Expels Gays fromCatholic Church
Date: Sat, 15 Oct 2005 12:38:18 -0500
Organization: P.U.
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Vatican City - The Catholic church announced its formal policy today to
ensure that there are no longer any gay priests within the world's
largest christian denomination. The policy is surprising to many and is
believed to be the church's latest response to the pedophelia scandal.
Vatican Spokesman Lytin Hyslofers described the rationale behind the
new policy, "We were considering the direction of the church in the
twenty-first century. We had the grave all picked out, with a lovely
headstone, and a very elaborate coffin. And then someone said, 'hey,
we could use a few more nails for this thing'."
The policy was further explained by Cardinal Inntha Klawsett, "We
looked at all the serious studies showing that pedophelia is not linked
to sexual orientation and most likely derives from whichever children
the perpetrator has access too. We also read all the studies that most
pedophiles identify themselves as heterosexual. Then we said,'Hey,
we're the guys who told Galileo the sun revolved around the earth. Are
we gonna go with facts when we have blind ignorance and prejudice to
get us through'."
The cardinal in charge of the church's new "straight agenda" Monsignor
Torr Kemawda described how the policy would be enforced, "We're going
to go around to each and every parish and look for scientifically
acceptable signs of gayness such as; Priests whose shoes match their
vestments, Lenten banners that look just a little too colorful, incense
that smells too pretty, choirs that have great harmony, all the
telltale signs of an insidious gayness. If that occurs, we'll do an
'exorcism' which is top secret but will involve a keg of beer and a big
screen TV showing football in the sacristy. As to the priests, they'll
be expelled and excommunicated, not transferred, this gayness thing is
serious, unlike good old fashioned pedophelia."
The Vatican was unavailable for further comment after the policy was
announced, as it appeared to be empty.
Lil Stinker
"just havin' fun!"
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