| Olympic Bid |
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| ::darkshadows:: (here@there.net) |
2007/02/14 08:57 |
Olympic Bid
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the
organizers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native
of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the
traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van
situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local
'Manchester' athletes.
100 METERS SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven
(one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police
dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METERS HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges,
gardens, fences walls etc.)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish
to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause
the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time
allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewelry as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event.
The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor
style wages delivery man.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams,
and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15
pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea
when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy
riding and arson.
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be
issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on
their way round the course.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The
first three survivors back, will decide the medals
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
Manchester.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized
rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic
flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break
into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating
boiler.
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