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From: ::darkshadows::
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: GUIDE TO JOB HUNTING Chapter 1 - The Resume
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2006 09:57:08 -0500
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GUIDE TO JOB HUNTING
Chapter 1 - The Resume
Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the essence of your
being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director's
attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae
will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet's cage. Write a boring
resume and you might as well run down now and join the other
unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest
refigerator carton to live in.
To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written equivalent
of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's orange paper, so it
nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use
as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western
style letters at the top says "Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!"
Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies,
be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget
your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10
glossies from Glamor Shots on top.
Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph," it's time to polish
the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities.
Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or
attribute, no matter how trifling, into a salable skill. Let's look at
some examples of putting the best "spin" on a job seeker's skills:
"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."
A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a "Grill Coordinator," or perhaps a "Culinary
Technician."
"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."
Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!"
Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."
"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and
watching Charlie's Angels reruns."
You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to
yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist." Let them know how
much time you've wisely invested in "Popular Drama Studies."
"I worked in telemarketing."
Die you scumbag.
"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a
puddle of my own urine."
I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself into his
work!
Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your resume, and
be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible:
1.Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
2.Goal-oriented
3.Forward-thinking
4.Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
5.Striving (everyone likes a striver!)
* It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.
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