GUIDE TO JOB HUNTING
Chapter 2 - The Interview
So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once again,
you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel
carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as
will a nice fish or penis tie, available in classier novelty stores.
Make these items staples of your professional wardrobe.
Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a little thumb
twist manuever or a good high- five. And remember, no one likes
shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave
the restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your
first words. Here's some suggestions for opening lines:
1."The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
2."I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that
pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
3."Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
4."Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
5."The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
6."I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
starship."
7."I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
8."I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it
will be your last!"
Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have plenty of
time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing
yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on
your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin powers, activate!"
Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is
always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the
closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr. Washington and I have this
job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)" And certainly don't forget the
follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the
employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind them of your
sincerity.
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