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Subject: Application to Retire
From: darkshadows <oldfolks@home.net>
Organization: Your Company
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Date: 12 Mar 2009 22:59:55 GMT
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Retirement....
Application to Retire
NAME: Gabby O. Grump
ADDRESS: Just address me as "Hey You" or Granny...
Oh, my home address? You can just deposit my pension checks directly
into my bank account and I won't have to worry about them getting stolen
out of my mailbox. Old people obsess about this, you know.
SEX: Once in a while, but I'm still young enough to be hopeful.
POSITION APPLIED FOR: Couch Potato. Seriously, I've spent the best years
of my life in an office cubicle. It's time to blow this joint and see
the rest of the world.
PREVIOUS SALARY: Too little, too late -- however from an employer's
perspective, I probably make enough to pay two or three part-time
employees who are younger and more energetic than I am.
DESIRED SALARY: $100,000 per year plus paid medical and dental
insurance. Since that's not an option according to the retirement
office, then I guess I will have to learn to live on Social Security,
the inadequate pension you have provided (thank you), and the interest
off my checking account.
EDUCATION: Graduated suma cum lauda from the School of Hard Knocks and
hold an advanced degree from the University of Experience.
LAST POSITION HELD: If all goes as planned, this will be my last
position. It's really hard to know since I'm not dead yet, in spite of
what others may think.
PAST EXPERIENCE: Been there, done that, don't want to go there again.
NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENTS: I can't think of anything other than staying alive
to reach retirement age without having a heart attack or nervous
breakdown, and without even taking an extended absence to use up my sick
leave before retirement.
REASON FOR LEAVING: To get a life. If it weren't for the 8-hour rat
race, I would stay around forever just to aggravate all the younger
workers who want my job.
HOURS AVAILABLE: 24/7 - except for nights, weekends, holidays, and
afternoon beauty naps.
ANY SPECIAL SKILLS: I can work overtime with the flu, meet stressful
deadlines without going postal, use the stairs instead of the elevator,
and can stay awake and hold my water during long, boring meetings. I can
also type with one hand while answering the phone with the other.
CURRENT EMPLOYER: You are my current employer. Check with the Personnel
Department. Don't you speak to each other any more?
ARE YOU WILLING TO RELOCATE? I'VE heard that Florida is a popular place
for retirement; however, many retirees are moving back to where they
came from due to the hurricanes. Arizona is not an option. It's too far
away from the grandchildren.
ANY SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITIONS: I don't remember. (Another good reason
to retire.)
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Yes, it has 70,000 miles on it from commuting back
and forth to the city five days a week; however, it's almost paid for
and has good tires. (If you are offering to give me a company vehicle, I
accept.)
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? No, You don't even
know I work here. (See above.) I did get a nice certificate with my name
spelled wrong, however, and a silver key chain for my many years of
service.
DO YOU SMOKE? If I did, do you think I would have lived long enough to
be retiring? Who has time for a smoke break around here anyhow? (Are you
gathering information to reduce my life insurance benefits by any
chance?)
RETIREMENT OBJECTIVE: To stay busy doing all the things that I haven't
had time to do because I am always at work. And when I'm gone, don't
call me - I'll call you.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? No, retirement isn't a crime;
it's supposed to be a reward for breaking my back in the salt mines,
isn't it?
IS THIS INFORMATION TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Of
course, I could be fired for lying on my retirement application -- if I
wasn't quitting anyhow, that is. (heh-heh!)
REFERENCES: Try the Intranet, Dictionary, or Policy Manual (No use
asking my co-workers if I am a good candidate for retirement. They are
all too busy looking for someone to replace me who will work for the
same measly salary.)
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