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From: 4s00th <4s00th@hushmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.prettyboy
Subject: Re: ... Re: r u guys sure someone couldn't just shoot me?
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2011 01:26:31 -0500
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On 27 Jan 2011 21:15:01 -0600, "Group_Troll"
<GroupTroll@Pissed.Off.nl> wrote:
>FROM: 4s00th <4s00th@hushmail.com>
>
>> My body hurts, I'm finding it hard to care about anything ... except
>> that I don't like pain. Pleasures just don't seem to be pleasurable
>> anymore, and hey, I had the first real suicidal vision/impulse in
>> quite a while. For those of you who don't understand that depression
>> hurts like a mutha -- take notice.
>
>All trolling aside for this post.....
>I did not know you had depression for real.
>
>Not being in your shoes, I cannot truely see from your viewpoint and I do
>not know your history - So there is nothing I can say that will help you.
>
>Humans and myself included can say something we think will help and it
>only causes you more pain. We meant well for you when we said it cause it
>sounded like the right thing to say to help you or that we are truely
>concerned for you. Yet when you read our careing words, they come out
>wrong at your end.
>
>What can I say - what words? - so that you know I am concerned about your
>depression? Because I am a troll, you will not believe anything I say.
>That is my problem, not yours.
>
>Because of my love for children, I am a loner. I have no friends. I can
>never let people know what I love. I have unknown friends on usenet.
>There are groups where I am accepted as I am but no one really knows me.
>My very best friends have died or been busted in years past. So far I am
>free but I never know if my past will knock on the door late one night
>and haul me away.
>
>Twenty years ago I went thru depression and was going to kill myself.
>I thought about it. I planned it. I changed plans many times. I was
>terrified to do it. Then I made up my mind. I calmed down. I finalized my
>plan. It was perfect. Accidental Drowning. A painfull but fast way to go.
>No suicide. My Life Insurance would pay. I am not telling all the
>details. It would have worked. But two very dear unknown usenet friends
>talked me out of it. They gave me a chance at life! I accepted!
>I will tell no more.
>
>I have family members who have taken their lives.
>One fought depression for many years and went by hanging. Bad way!
>Another on purchased a generator and went by carbon monoxide and beer and
>pot. He went mellow and relaxed. But it cost him $500 for the generator
>he chose to use, plus gasoline, plus the storage rental building he used.
Apparently, I can't even whine right! I hate to tell you this, but
just because you call yourself a troll and OCCASIONALLY act like one
really didn't fool anyone. Well, you didn't fool many, anyway! I've
read your posts, and I never had any doubt that you were one of us.
My line about the Kidz Bop was just a tweak at you -- as far as I can
tell, you've never posted anything that really bothered me. And you
certainly haven't done anything to make my depression any the worse.
That's the insidiousness of the disease -- it feeds on itself. What I
had hoped to get across with my words is how fucking painful the
disease can be -- for those who don't know about it, and for those who
are experiencing it. I mean, think about doing something that really
makes you happy ... and then imagine that you suddenly feel that it
isn't worth the effort ... that's pain. And I know that I'm not the
only one here who has felt that -- or is feeling that now. Prolly.
And the pain of suicidal impulses -- I'm not just talking about having
a sudden thought of killing yourself -- I'm talking about actually
seeing yourself doing really stupid things in your head. This
afternoon, I had a really horrible image of hammering horribly sharp
things into a place that really isn't meant for horribly sharp things.
I even briefly wondered if it were better to go between the ribs or to
just hammer right thru the sternum. Not that I would have ever gotten
that far ... I don't like pain, it hurts. But imagine what it feels
like just to have those images flash thru your brain. It doesn't
matter that you have no intention of acting on them -- it hurts. So
you're suddenly caught between two feelings -- not caring and pain.
Sometimes I wonder how much of that a person can take. And I don't
worry about that for myself. I'm not really a suicide risk -- I
learned better long ago. I mean, I only tried it 3 times before I was
20. The first two times before I was 18. I woke up entirely surprised
to still be alive and stoned as hell on the pills I had taken. Yeah, I
took a lot of pills, but none of them were the right kind or the right
kind of dose. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have woken up
that first time.
That final time, someone I really cared about said that I had scared
him. To be honest, as much as I loved him and was crushing on him, I
had no idea that he cared enough to be scared. And what kind of
message would that be sending to those boys whom I had worked with all
those years before -- and to whom I hope I might have made a
difference in their lives? Anyway, I've never tried it again. I've
wanted to at times. But I can think of a lot of things that I want to
do but will not do. And I know I would enjoy a lot of them much
better! At least some of those fantasies actually bring me a certain
degree of pleasure ... even if I feel guilty about them later!
>>
>...snip...
>>
>> And I guess I must be getting down to my last bit to be touting my
>> pain here -- you never ask for help until you're near the bottom -- at
>> least, that's been my experience.
>>
>> Do any of you have any idea how much I hate wanting to die? Not
>> killing myself -- I got scared straight on that one when I found out
>> what I might have done to someone who actually gave a damn, but just
>> wanting to fucking lie down and die.
>
>So 4s00th (Four-Sooth/Foresooth/Forsooth)...
>
>Is this your post to tell us you have decided to do it?
>
>Or is this your cry for help? You have no one to reach out to but your
>friends on usenet. Is this our chance to prevent you from dieing?
No, friend troll -- as much as I may sometimes want to, as much as the
images drag nails across my brain and hurt down to the soul, I'm not
checking myself out. But right now, I don't know that I would care
much if I just died. In fact, I'm halfway to begging God to take me.
To let me get some rest and peace. To tell me that I've done whatever
it was I supposed to do and that I can leave all this pain behind.
>>
>> I do wonder if the troll realizes that I have finally downloaded Kidz
>> Bop 19 and just not cared enough to post it?
>
>NO 4s00th, I did NOT know. But know I do. Yet any words I say will be the
>wrong words - So I dare say nothing.
>
>> Or if he realizes how
>> much I think those things are like cockroaches that just keep
>> spreading? I mean, really, let the damn kids sing the songs! Well,
>> find some kids who can sing -- we know that they're out there! Can you
>> imagine what Libera could do with a franchise like this? Let Josh and
>> Mini-Ben have a chance at Bad Day -- Maybe 'Kob could take a verse, or
>> even my little dynamo Kavanna! I tell you guys, if little Kavanna had
>> been the big bad wolf, that house of bricks would have fallen! I
>> swear, I've never seen anyone put so much of themselves into singing!
>> Such incredible JOY!
>>
>> Anyway. I think I've worn myself out. I hope you guys are all doing a
>> lot better than I. And I pity any of you who feel worse.
>>
>> Love,
>> -- 4s00th@hushmail.com
>>
>
>"PITY"? No you don't! There are others who feel worse but that is not
>our or your concern at this time.
One should always have time to feel for others; my best friend, whom I
miss dearly, used to get tired of me saying that it could always be
worse. And every time she challenged me for saying it, I told her ways
that things could be worse. It's a fact of life -- and even I,
selfish bastard that I am, cannot be that selfish.
>Your concern is for yourself!
>Our concern is for 4s00th! And if it makes you feel one second better to
>tell me to go fuck myself because I don't know you and I don't understand
>your problem cause I don't know you - Then say it: "TROLL, GO FUCK
>YOURSELF!"
>
>Well, I did it. I, Group_Troll have fucked up. As usual.
>I took 4s00th's pain and turned his post into my telling about my
>problems, my opinions, my feelings. I put words in his mouth.
>I spoke for him when I had no right.
>
>Those of you that are his Fort friends, those of you who truely know him
>and have emailed him, you need to step forward and help before he goes
>missing one day Never to be heard from again, your emails returned.
>
>
>-----
>Group_Troll
You didn't do anything, but your answer here to me did. Thank you.
Someday I wish I could care enough about myself in some other way
except the super-negative way that I do. But I don't see the point.
Never have. Prolly never will. No matter how much I remember how my
boys have loved me and counted on me -- that ought to make me think
I'm worth something. So why doesn't it?
BTW, your post in other groups --- I appreciate the thought.
sincerely & with love,
-- 4s00th@hushmail.com
My email is always available for those looking for and willing to supply support in the effort to remain boy-lovers and not become child-molesters de jure if not de facto.
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