270517A
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We most fear to lose
that we cannot ever replace,
and it comes around all the way
to fear of losing our selves.
That becomes the bottom line
in all those failed negotiations.
Holding out for a better deal
in exchange for the deterioration.
All the little bits and pieces
someone has broken away.
Whatever no one cared about,
or that they chose to take.
Eventually you know
they would leave nothing at all
after going through your dirt pile
and tossing your dirt around.
You gather make believe friends
and keep them close to you
imagining mounting a defence,
until the party is over.
The relief is when they go home
and the siege is lifted,
so that you can begin to dream again
of the sort of life that you do not have.
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270517B
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Not wanting to get close
to anything
that they want you to get close to,
you get into the habit
of breaking off
and wandering away.
The sort of rebel
that never seems to become able
to give up
on pushing it all away
apparently always turning
to the wrong side.
Too many restrictions
and an endless list of obligations
ends thoughts of finding romance.
Too hard to deliver
on anything that was specified
by the committee members.
Whatever I wanted to become
you did not want me to be,
so I ended up experimenting
with forbidden incantations
as another sort of attempt
at finding an escape.
Rearranging various remains
into pleasant arrangements
as a means to fighting boredom.
They are something to know
fully intimately
rather than sleeping with strangers.
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270517C
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They always punished me
for allegedly loving
women too much,
but women
never really loved me.
The allegation was false,
but making that type of case
never takes any real evidence.
You only have to look
the wrong way.
It was simply that I disliked men,
and refused to enter into it
on anything sexual.
So they preferred other boys,
referring to it as self esteem.
I fell into actually believing
that it really was all about technique,
and so I studied all the manuals.
A knowledge base
with no practical application.
At least not after the 1960s
when they repealed the Kama Sutra Act,
and instituted entirely new policies.
There were no binding conditions
after those paragraphs were superseded
I used to spend some time
wandering into places
as if I might meet someone there
who wanted the real me,
as much as I did.
There was no such luck,
and the disguises I attempted
were no sort of help.
They could see through that
to rejecting the dreamer.
Always being impoverished
tends to work that way,
even if only sporadically.
Little spurts of money
that never reach to larger goals.
She liked salt of the earth,
and maybe it was the smell
that excited her.
I never found it me
to hound that type of fox.
Not that I could afford to,
but I never thought of it that way,
as to the depths of my pockets.
That was the ugliest part
as to who would talk to me.
I used to dance all night,
but that did not take me anywhere,
as to anything else held in common.
A lot of fancy foot work
and never stepping on any toes.
You have to be careful in that way,
knowing you are only the warm up
for what others consummate.
There is no one to remember you
when morning lights come up again.
It is all always about wanting
what you cannot ever have any of,
and always coming back for some more.
It can become a lifestyle
if your pockets are deep enough.
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270517D
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Somewhere, somehow, and sometime,
enter into the conspiracy.
I was entirely misled,
into only writing what is true.
That might prove the poorest way
to gaining any readership loyalty.
Not to mention having offended
almost every type of government.
The quiet man,
who does not do any art,
always got the girl.
I could not write my way out of that.
Social capital scarcer than gold bullion,
with everyone keeping it to themselves.
They all have “loved ones”,
and I am not on their lists.
I keep adding to my statement,
and becoming less and less innocent.
They can always make you feel guilty
as to using all the wrong words.
Anything that they do to you
can be explained in terms of your own words,
and you have no way to avoid the subject,
regardless of anything that you say.
That exposes a vulnerable flank,
and warriors always try to rush in,
to defend you from any type of happiness,
ignoring all of your last requests.
The truth is never really sexy,
knowing what it is like to be buried,
wherever you can never dig your way out,
from being less popular than a public enemy.
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270517E
-----------
I never could understand people.
They are so perfectly contented and happy
doing all the same things
that they always do,
and doing them in all the same ways.
Difference was a rising star in America,
that suddenly became very unpopular,
even among the college crowd.
It was a French thing and too foreign
to anything more Aristotle and Skinner.
Those lives spend in Skinner boxes,
of always fully consenting behaviours,
that deviate according to all the rules
as to how something ought to waste away
into one or another type of insignificance.
Proof that achieving insignificance is rewarding
can be found in clearly open view,
but it also exists under plain brown wrappers,
and can be readily purchased
from a seemingly endless number of sellers.
You wanted something different,
but you got what came off an assembly line.
There is always something entirely artless
about all the conversations that occur
as repetitions of predictably similar content.
There is the constant threat of not having,
what the others have,
because you wanted something different.
They do not allow any defence arguments
against allegations of differing.
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