PATRIOTS LET TEBOW GO; PRAYERS NOT HELPING HIS THROW
Boston - The Patriots cut Tim Tebow on Saturday, barely
2 months after his fanfare arrival on the team, which
had been previously satirized in these same pages.
Cerberus Capital Management, the hydra-headed private equity firm
based in Hades and New York City, and recently the new owner
of Boston-area Shaws and Star Market supermarkets, was aghast.
"We have entire warehouses full of unsold Tim Tebow t-shirts!
How are we supposed to move that merchandise now?" said
J. Danforth Quayle, Chairman, Cerberus Global Investments, LLC.
Quayle is best remembered for his incorrect attempt to correct
a 12-year old at a spelling bee at Munoz Rivera Elementary in 1992,
where he thought that "potato" should be "potatoe". Quayle
is also remembered in part for his brief stint as Vice-President
of the United States.
Quayle, like Tebow, is a firm believer in old-timey religion
of the most simple-minded sort. Quayle explained,
"When parents display their own belief in God, children learn
that a life based on faith provides a firm foundation.
Parents are more credible when setting rules and goals if
they can offer a grander scheme, a source of comfort, and a
sense of the eternal. And children who see their parents
submitting to God will be more willing to submit to their
parents' rules as well."
Not to mention the unquestioned authoritarian rule of state.
"Surely then, it must be part of God's grand scheme that Cerberus
the hell-hound and private equity firm should have to deal
with some eternally unsold T-shirts.", said Josh McDaniels,
who drafted Tebow for the Broncos in 2010.
Bill Belichick said that the cutting of Tebow was not related
to any embarassment over praying to win football games, but
embarassment over the fact that Tebow threw "like a girl."
Boston area feminist groups were up in arms over that
characterization, which they said was sexist. "Many lesbians can
throw far better than Tebow ever could, if just given a fair chance",
said one local activist.
The Boston religious community was dismayed that prayer was not
more effective at overcoming Tebow's poor throwing accuracy
and timing.
However, Vera Xanthakis of the Boston chapter of the American
Statistical Association pointed out that statistical analysis
based on thousands of studies of prayer have shown a poorer track
record for prayer in general than Teblow's NFL football stats.
"Many people do not realize that thousands of studies have been
performed on prayer. Why don't you hear about them? Let's put it
this way - if they had shown dramatically that prayer worked, the
media would be parading the studies proudly on the front pages, like
the cat that got the cream.", sighed poor Vera. "Instead, they
cherry-pick the few studies that show a pitiful placebo value for
people who are comforted by their own prayer. Intercessory
prayer in particular has been simply pathetic."
"Do you SERIOUSLY think that sons of religious believers
who pray for their sons to come home safely from war have any
better results than non-religious parents who merely hope for
their sons to come home safely?", asked Vera with a far-away
gaze and a world-weary sadness far beyond the mindless cheering
of pro sports or the whoops of religious true-believers.
However, all does not seem lost. Boston sports writer
Ben Violin observed that while Tebow might "throw like my
sister" that he could still "run like a bulldozer" so could
probably still find gainful employment on construction sites,
helping to demolish dilapidated building that had
deteriorated due to "under water" mortgages.
------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.ffxivpro.com/forum/topic/27379/tim-tebow-bandwagon/2/
Tim Tebow Bandwagon
By Cerberus.Neojuggernaut
If you watch him throw too, it should disgust you. Lefties usually
have beautiful spirals...this dude throws potatoes all over the place
------------------------------------------------------------------
Tim Tebow Goes Rogue In Vogue - Babes Dig Balls
babesdigballs.com/tim-tebow-goes-rogue-in-vogue/
(Photo Credit: Annie Leibovitz/VOGUE) Tim Tebow is going rogue
for the October issue of Vogue. The New York Jets' (backup) QB
is making ...
------------------------------------------------------------------
Question: Rogue cerberus agents? (Mass Effect 3 - Mass Effect 3 ...
social.bioware.com/forum/1/topic/355/index/11281047/1?
Considering how every Cerberus goon is basically under mind control,
they can't really go rouge. Cerberus was recruiting people there
until the Alliance ...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Cerberus: Center of Pentagon & CIA Scams - Conspiracy Planet
www.conspiracyplanet.com/channel.cfm?channelid=70&contentid...
Cerberus: Center of Pentagon & CIA Scams A large global
hedge fund, Cerberus Capital ...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.conspiracyplanet.com/channel.cfm?channelid=46&contentid=
6574&page=2
How Blood-Sucking Cerberus Capital Made $1.8 Billion
by MARK AMES (ALTERNET)
Talecris was purchased for a mere $82.5 million just four years earlier,
meaning Cerberus made 23 times its investment on human plasma.
This was accomplished by the most savage, heartless means possible:
by paying peanuts to impoverished human plasma donors, who increasingly
come from Mexican border towns to blood-pumping stations set up
on the American side, jacking up the price of plasma by restricting
supply (a lawsuit filed by the Federal Trade Commission accused
Cerberus Plasma Holdings of "operat[ing] as an oligopoly"), and then
selling the refined products to the most desperately ill—patients
suffering from hemophilia, severe burns, multiple sclerosis
and autoimmune deficiencies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|