10 GOP CANDIDATES VIE TO BE ONE TRUE CONSERVATIVE
WASHINGTON - At the Conservative Political Action Conference
(CPAC) in Washington on Feb 10, Rick Santorum announced that
he was the only true conservative who shared the values of
gun owners, families, and religious culture warriors.
Following Santorum's lead, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich
announced that he also was only true conservative in the
entire pack.
Following Gingrich's lead, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt
Romney announced that he alone was the one true conservative,
real conservative, strong conservative, principled conservative,
unapologetic conservative, apoplectic conservative, two-fisted
conservative, conservative conservative, Reagan conservative,
scholarly conservative, red-meat conservative, fighting conservative,
barncoat conservative, compassionate conservative,
severe conservative, proud conservative and transformational
conservative.
Sources attending the convention estimated that Romney
had probably used the word "conservative" at least
17 or 18 times.
Romney added that conservatism needed to restore and
renew America by purging weak liberals, degenerate liberals,
girly-men liberals, free-loading liberals like the U.S Steelworkers,
traitorous liberals like Francis Fox Pivens, bizarre liberals,
American-hating liberals, and so forth.
While Romney was having a Newt Gingrich moment, Newt Gingrich
experienced a number of Rick Perry moments.
After repeatedly referring to the idea of a voucher-based
Medicare system as "right-wing social engineering", Gingrich
appeared startled, exclaiming "Oops!" when reminded that
he was, in fact, himself a right-winger.
Forgetting also Ronald Reagan's golden parable concerning
proper propaganda- never attacking a fellow Republican-
Gingrich charged that Romney was a "predatory capitalist,
a smooth-talking corporate raider posing as a job creator,
a power-hungry political hack in an empty suit with a
haircut on top, a capitalist swine, a money-grubbing kulak,
a blood-sucking robber baron" and so forth.
Gingrich continued his puzzling memory lapses when pondering
aloud, "Is capitalism really about the ability of a handful of
rich people to manipulate the lives of thousands of other people
and walk off with the money?".
When informed that he sounded as if he were channeling for Karl
Marx, and that his characterization was an apt description of GOP
policies continuing over the last 50 years, Gingrich appeared
once again to be astonished.
Romney seized the opportunity to lambaste Rick Santorum
as a "sanctimonious, self-certain simpleton in a sweater vest"
who was far too liberal and out-of-touch with the real
values of the American people.
Romney defiantly announced that "Where Santorum says that
gay sex is NOT 'like man-on-dog', I as the one true conservative
say that gay sex IS like man-on-dog!". To this bold statement,
the CPAC audience began cheerly wildly and stomping its feet,
enthralled finally to find a candidate who understood their
core values of faith, family and guns.
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