ALEXANDER HAIG NO LONGER IN CONTROL
President Obama yesterday praised General Haig as a public servant
who "exemplified the warrior-diplomat, soldier-businessman,
statesman /kung fu aficionado, scholar-Samurai tradition
of American foreign policy"
George P. Schultz, who succeeded Haig as the country's top
diplomat in 1982, said "I think of him as a patriot's patriot,
a man's man, a Major Major who played a major role in
a mad, mad world."
Richard Nixon once described General Haig as "the meanest,
toughest, most ambitious S.O.B." he'd ever known.
This characterization surprised many observers, who previously
had always thought of Richard Nixon as being the meanest,
toughest, most ambitious S.O.B. that they'd ever known.
General Haig pioneered whole new vistas and pushed the boundaries
of inventive, exploratory oratory, uniquely combining neologisms,
bureaucratese, convolutions, periphrasis, and various other
arcane linguistic terms that nobody, not even Noam Chomsky
can really figure out.
Chomsky, in "The Crucifixion of El Salvador", described how
Haig had sought to justify the murder of nuns, when right-wing
death squads in that country got slightly carried away in
their otherwise patriotic activities such as disemboweling
pregnant women, and committed the serious faux-pas of
turning their guns on nuns.
The American-supported, right-wing death squads were killing
lefties, which fortunately had not yet included Chomsky, and
his traitorous ilk of untrustworthy intellectuals who don't
know how to share a beer and belch with the average American
GI Joe Six-pack.
The squads had been described by President Reagan as
"the moral equivalent of our Founding Fathers", a seemingly
bizarre and inappropriate statement, but one which must be
understood in context. The context in which he probably intended
was for example, George Washington ordering his troops to
massacre Indian tribes- men, women, and children- because they
were supporting the British.
Haig initially blamed the nuns, pointing out how it was their
own fault for getting machine-gunned down, claming that they were
"trying to run a road-block".
Underestimating the sentimentality of the American public
for religious icons such as nuns, especially with the added
"sympathy factor" of their getting mowed down by machine guns,
Haig was quickly forced to backtrack by exclaiming,
"Oh, My Heavens! and giving a tear-jerking account for the
respect and affection of the dear nuns who had raised him
in parochial school.
"Oh, My Heavens!" was later nominated for an Oscar,
as one of the best, 5-star performances by a 4-star General,
and one of the most successful box-office smashes since
"Annie, Get Your Gun".
Haig, in his long career, was also awarded a Purple Heart,
a Green Liver, a Yellow Bladder, a Silver Star,
a Brass Ball, a Bronze Star, a Flaming Sword,
a stainless Alumninum Ginzu Knife, a distinguished Flying Cross
with oak leaf clusters, an embroidered fleur de lis of
22K gold leaf,a pink satin pillow that said "San Diego"
with fringe all around it, and a solid, copper amulet with a
Snake Basilisk, said "to have the power to destroy all
upon whom it looks",
Haig was so impressive when wearing all of these decorations,
that he was was chosen for to play the honorary role of
the "Christmas Tree" for the Lone Tree, Iowa Elementary
school play, "Baby Jesus is Born", in 1987.
Lone Tree is a nice small school with good values compared to the
ultra liberal surrounding districts. They still have
'Christmas' program, and don't try to force multiculturalism
on your kids.
However, Haig will be most remembered for being briefly
in control of the federal government, when President Reagan
was shot (not by Haig) in 1981. After Reagan recovered, Haig
kept threatening to resign until Reagan finally accepted a
resignation that Haig had not yet officially offered, forcing
Haig into a nether-world, twilight-zone state of
unofficial resignation, in contrast to his period
of unoffical control.
In his waning years, Haig began to lose even more control,
of various other bodily functions, bladder, bowel, etc,
but rather than to burden the obituary with those details,
it is probably better just to end, here, as too much has
probably been said, already.
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