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Subject: Travel Guide To Texas - dontmess_small1.jpg (0/1)
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Date: Sun, 14 Jun 2009 04:13:13 -0500
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Travel Guide To Texas
Like it or not, the new White House is in Crawford, Texas, and is
drawing a great number of people to the Lone Star State, including
many who are not used to our ways. (Ya Damn Yankees!) The following
information may be helpful:
1. Do not expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local
restaurant. It is a diner. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried
steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they
will kick your ass.
2. Do not order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas, it is
called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it is Pepsi, RC, Sprite,
whatever - it is still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead
to an ass kicking.
3. We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Howard Hughes, H. Ross
Perot, Southwest and American Airlines, Compaq and Dell Computers.)
Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g. George
Jr.) However, we ARE NOT dumb enough to let someone move to our state
just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that,
they would get a serious ass kicking straight back to New York.
4. Do not laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
General Hood, you would be paying taxes to Richmond instead of
Washington. And, if you are blessed enough to be able to visit the
Alamo, take off your hat and be properly humble, or we will definitely
kick your ass, no questions asked.
5. We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the humidity is,
so shut the HELL up about it. If you cannot stand the heat, get out
of the kitchen, or we will kick your ass.
6. Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their cornhusk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you are a Yankee. And not
just ANY ole Yankee, but a DAMN Yankee. Do not, under any
circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or that it does not
contain kidney beans. This will get your ass kicked into next week.
7. Do not talk about how much better things are at home because we
know that they are not. Many of us have visited northern hell-holes
like Detroit, Chicago, New York and Cleveland, and we have scars to
Move your ass home, before we kick it there.
8. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we do not want to sound like you. We do not care if you do not
understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we
are saying and that is all that matters. Now, go away or we will kick
your ass.
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such
things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our
sweet little gray-haired Grandmothers or they will kick your ass (just
like they did ours.)
10. DO NOT DARE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER TELL US HOW TO COOK
BARBEQUE. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked.)
Criticize the barbeque and you may go home in a pine box (minus your
kicked ass..)
*Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the
first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off of the
Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to
keep your ass out.
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