Path: news.nzbot.com!not-for-mail
From: +Grant <+Grant@grant.grant>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Re: Australia
Date: 25 May 2009 21:17:02 -0500
Organization: .
Lines: 183
Message-ID: <Grant-me-that-2505093@Grant.Grant>
References: <tklk1551clr665ptdo943512n89d5pfr9p@4ax.com> <Grant-me-that-2505091@Grant.Grant> <dsfm15hh4og091a074smt73s46bqcov443@4ax.com>
Reply-To: +Grant
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
Content-transfer-encoding: 8bit
X-No-Archive: yes
Xref: news.nzbot.com alt.fan.rolex:8801
In article <dsfm15hh4og091a074smt73s46bqcov443@4ax.com>,
::darkshadows:: <bat@cave.org> wrote:
> On 25 May 2009 18:12:02 -0500, +Grant <+Grant@grant.grant> wrote:
>
> >In article <tklk1551clr665ptdo943512n89d5pfr9p@4ax.com>,
> >::darkshadows:: <bat@cave.org> wrote:
> >
> >> Australia
> >>
> >> The following gem is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the
> >> Galaxy"fame. It is an amazing insight into Australia - prepare
> >> yourself!
> >>
> >> Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
> >> bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of
> >> many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous
> >> bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which
> >> plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is
> >> simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they
> >> still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are
> >> they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell
> >> either!
> >>
> >> The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
> >> place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as
> >> either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all
> >> three. Typically, it is unique in this.
> >>
> >> The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can
> >> be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is
> >> true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia
> >> has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the
> >> 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However there
> >> are curiously few snakes, possible because the spiders have killed
> >> them all.
> >>
> >> But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
> >> careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet
> >> seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is
> >> very useful for this task.
> >>
> >> At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus - estranged
> >> relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed
> >> feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the
> >> electric eel and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus
> >> combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable
> >> creature.
> >>
> >> The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
> >>
> >> First, a short history:
> >>
> >> Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from
> >> the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.
> >> The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's
> >> proper place in the scheme of things and spiders. They settled in and
> >> spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
> >>
> >> Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
> >> More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and
> >> stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
> >> (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving
> >> from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food,
> >> and a lot of them died.
> >>
> >> About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It
> >> is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
> >> themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since
> >> they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture
> >> they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive
> >> being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a
> >> stick.
> >>
> >> Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
> >> Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep,
> >> caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
> >> where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves
> >> to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the
> >> necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal
> >> surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in
> >> the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
> >>
> >> There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
> >> the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
> >> venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging
> >> jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,
> >> pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back
> >> that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.
> >>
> >> However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk. As a result of all
> >> this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians
> >> to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always
> >> willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
> >>
> >> Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
> >> disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been
> >> performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
> >>
> >> Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass
> >> is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly
> >> proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
> >> They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own
> >> Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth."
> >> The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
> >>
> >> There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not,
> >> under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless
> >> you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a
> >> Hawaiian shirt.
> >>
> >> Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation,
> >> (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a
> >> minefield.
> >>
> >> The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is
> >> "Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the
> >> world!". It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful
> >> Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a
> >> pub where Australian Beer is served.
> >>
> >> Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation
> >> rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover,
> >> a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
> >>
> >> Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any
> >> legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took
> >> him to the pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his
> >> notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other
> >> Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and
> >> noting how strong the beer was.
> >>
> >> Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
> >>
> >> Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary
> >> use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
> >>
> >> Typical Australian sayings:-
> >>
> >> * "G'Day!"
> >> * "She'll be right mate."
> >>
> >>
> >> Tips to Surviving Australia:
> >>
> >> * Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
> >> * The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
> >> think it is.
> >> * Always carry a stick.
> >> * Air-conditioning is imperative.
> >> * Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
> >> linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
> >> * Wear thick socks.
> >> * Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
> >> people nearby.
> >> * If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
> >> at all times, or you will die.
> >> * Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
> >> always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
> >
> >I met some Australians. Fun people but good to have on your side in a
> >firefight.
> >
> >Thank you for your music posts too.
>
> Glad to see you about. :o)
>
> darkshadows
I'm about so and so and this and that....... LOL
I have been around but not looking in the groups a lot and not wanting
to post anything most of the time when I do look.
This week I posted in other groups to support someone. I didn't want
you to feel neglected so I posted to you too. See? I care. LOL
I hope you are doing as well as I am which is great.
ps I liked the "Troop Review" joke.
--
Grant
|
|