| Re: Australia |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (bat@cave.org) |
2009/05/25 19:02 |
Path: news.nzbot.com!not-for-mail
From: "::darkshadows::" <bat@cave.org>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Re: Australia
Message-ID: <dsfm15hh4og091a074smt73s46bqcov443@4ax.com>
References: <tklk1551clr665ptdo943512n89d5pfr9p@4ax.com> <Grant-me-that-2505091@Grant.Grant>
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 4.2/32.1118
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
X-Antivirus: avast! (VPS 090525-0, 05/25/2009), Outbound message
X-Antivirus-Status: Clean
Lines: 165
X-Complaints-To: abuse@easynews.com
Organization: EasyNews, UseNet made Easy!
X-Complaints-Info: Please be sure to forward a copy of ALL headers otherwise we will be unable to process your complaint properly.
Date: Mon, 25 May 2009 20:02:43 -0500
Xref: news.nzbot.com alt.fan.rolex:8799
On 25 May 2009 18:12:02 -0500, +Grant <+Grant@grant.grant> wrote:
>In article <tklk1551clr665ptdo943512n89d5pfr9p@4ax.com>,
>::darkshadows:: <bat@cave.org> wrote:
>
>> Australia
>>
>> The following gem is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the
>> Galaxy"fame. It is an amazing insight into Australia - prepare
>> yourself!
>>
>> Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
>> bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of
>> many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous
>> bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which
>> plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is
>> simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they
>> still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are
>> they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell
>> either!
>>
>> The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
>> place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as
>> either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all
>> three. Typically, it is unique in this.
>>
>> The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can
>> be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is
>> true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia
>> has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the
>> 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However there
>> are curiously few snakes, possible because the spiders have killed
>> them all.
>>
>> But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
>> careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet
>> seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is
>> very useful for this task.
>>
>> At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus - estranged
>> relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed
>> feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the
>> electric eel and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus
>> combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable
>> creature.
>>
>> The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
>>
>> First, a short history:
>>
>> Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from
>> the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.
>> The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's
>> proper place in the scheme of things and spiders. They settled in and
>> spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
>>
>> Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
>> More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and
>> stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
>> (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving
>> from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food,
>> and a lot of them died.
>>
>> About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It
>> is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
>> themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since
>> they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture
>> they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive
>> being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a
>> stick.
>>
>> Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
>> Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep,
>> caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
>> where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves
>> to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the
>> necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal
>> surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in
>> the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
>>
>> There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
>> the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
>> venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging
>> jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,
>> pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back
>> that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.
>>
>> However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk. As a result of all
>> this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians
>> to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always
>> willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
>>
>> Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
>> disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been
>> performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
>>
>> Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass
>> is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly
>> proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
>> They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own
>> Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth."
>> The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
>>
>> There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not,
>> under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless
>> you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a
>> Hawaiian shirt.
>>
>> Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation,
>> (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a
>> minefield.
>>
>> The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is
>> "Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the
>> world!". It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful
>> Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a
>> pub where Australian Beer is served.
>>
>> Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation
>> rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover,
>> a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
>>
>> Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any
>> legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took
>> him to the pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his
>> notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other
>> Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and
>> noting how strong the beer was.
>>
>> Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
>>
>> Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary
>> use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
>>
>> Typical Australian sayings:-
>>
>> * "G'Day!"
>> * "She'll be right mate."
>>
>>
>> Tips to Surviving Australia:
>>
>> * Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
>> * The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
>> think it is.
>> * Always carry a stick.
>> * Air-conditioning is imperative.
>> * Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
>> linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
>> * Wear thick socks.
>> * Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
>> people nearby.
>> * If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
>> at all times, or you will die.
>> * Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
>> always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
>
>I met some Australians. Fun people but good to have on your side in a
>firefight.
>
>Thank you for your music posts too.
Glad to see you about. :o)
darkshadows
|
|
|