| Rolex's hobby |
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| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2009/02/24 12:23 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Rolex's hobby
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Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2009 13:23:52 -0600
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Plain Jane. One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and
pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your
standard, everyday, friendly fart.
Beefy One. Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a
cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh
dog-turd.
Eggy. Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A
powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in
the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).
Bunbuster. 'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much
more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy.
Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.
Ripper. Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the
crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still
feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing
loss.
Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing
out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . .
'BRRMP!'
Gunshot. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard
to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet
explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are
relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.
Squeaky. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,'
but smells foul.
Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at
which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it
feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your
underpants at the first possible opportunity.
Poopie Prelude. It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but
out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something
massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the
brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Present. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small
poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give
thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it
happened. If you were, you're screwed.
Burble. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.
SBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the
occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal
investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out.
(This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)
GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost). You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart
and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is
much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants
in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em
out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?
Hydrated. The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and
gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this
one if you're wearing white trousers.
Not Now Please! You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable
to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer,
important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together
so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to
subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end
you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you
can try the stealth approach (see below).
Who, Me? You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it.
You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got
away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis
field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person
next to you and try to look innocent.
Waker-Upper. The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans,
and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into
about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum.
Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it
until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart
of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.
Electrical. Sound like they have some juice in them.
Dutch Oven. A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up
by holding your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can
get the full effect of it. Good for moving a stalled divorce process
along. Very bad early in your marriage.
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