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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Things to do in court
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Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2009 15:00:36 -0600
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The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...
1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.
2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the
defendant when the judge isn't looking.
3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is
present.
4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your
head and quiver.
5. Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says.
EVERYTHING.
6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about
you. Proceed to hide under your table.
7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off
into space and blow spit bubbles.
8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.
9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll
"call him"
10. Actually call him
11. Bring a kazoo.
12. Act like you're doing something important, and ask them to "keep
it down"
13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act
like you've been shot.
14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.
15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow
a referee's whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to
you and tell him to "stop it!"
16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in
cold water and act like one.
17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he
accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it
means. When he answers, object.
18. Dress up like Santa Claus
19. Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask for more. Then ask to
go to the bathroom.
20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word "the"
21. Change your plea every five minutes
22. If you're the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the
plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants.
Call the lawyers "Barney"
23. Gurgle into the microphone.
24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll
of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie.
25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge
and issue him a parking ticket on his desk.
26. When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on
the table, point to it and say, "From this it is obvious, I am not
guilty!"
27. Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks
past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay.
28. Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your
ticket and say "I'm a paying customer!".
29. Fart, pause momentarily, and comment under your breath, "I've done
better..."
30. Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically
"Now that's more like it!".
31. Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people, and
imitate everything happening, including voices!
32. When pronounced guilty, reply "How about we try that again, this
time Rock, Scissors, Paper - best of three!"
33. Bring toaster and wave a box of "Tropical Sprinkles Pop Tarts"
around while asking "Where's a damn plug around here!".
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