Well, they're in - and better than the Golden Globes...
Annual Darwin Awards:
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's
an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free
soda out of it.
And the nominees this year are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white
bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that
he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also
wearing a military gasmask that had the filter canister removed and a
rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found
the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family
very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his
father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face
down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse
and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After
the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on
arrival at the hospital - police made a closer inspection of the
couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions.
Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his
death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between
the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders
(with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the
story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders,
electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway
near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her
passenger and killing herself As a commonplace road accident, this
would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi
key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove
along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the
Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than
the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said.
Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
Company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark.
To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket
and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was
found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
the explosion. His peers had never thought of the technician suspected
of causing the blast as 'bright'.
AND THE WINNER...
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local
golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad
mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped
the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum
in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.
Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and
tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the
ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his
testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest
link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer,
while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled
between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.
To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he
had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance
himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die. But, because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying
act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
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