Q. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A. A blonde parade.
Q. What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
A. She moved.
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Mommy, mommy, in class today we did ABC but I said "ABCDEF." Is that
because I am blonde?
Yes, dear that's because you're blonde.
Mommy, mommy, we counted one, two, three, but I counted one, two,
three, four five, six. Is that because I'm blonde?
Yes, dear, it's because you are blonde.
Mommy, mommy, everyone else in the class doesn't even need a bra, but
I wear a "C" cup. Is that because I'm blonde?
No, dear. It's because you're 22.
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How to liven a Boring Party
Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are
from, name a country only you can pronounce.
Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.
When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings
- make sure to use your hands!
Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"
Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the
better!
Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.
Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and
I'll be cured..."
Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.
Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works
okay, too)
If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical,
symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.
If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else,
burst into tears, wailing "I thought you loved me!", and run from the
room.
Tell a middle-aged wife, "Your husband seems very happy with that girl
in the closet..."
Tell a middle aged man, "Your wife seems very happy with that boy in
the closet..."
Whisper to the guest on your right, "What kind of lame moron actually
goes to these parties, anyway?"
Bring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the
room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical
expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two,
etc.
Bring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a
game... in the kitchen.
Karate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few
sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.
Wear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. "The doctor says I'm not
allergic to anything except sheep and birds..."
If someone says the word no to you, say, "How dare you turn down the
prince / princess of Ugranialo!"
Burst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, "I've
done it! I've found Atlantis!"
Pick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim,
"Grandmother! it's me, Anastasia!"
If it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another
guest: "Summer nights". Persuade the host to sing "You're the one that
I want" with you.
Come in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert
name of host).
==========
BUMPER STICKERS
My karma ran over your dogma.
I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
"I is a college student."
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Life is too complicated in the morning.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not
getting it done.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to
leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck
out!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Born free... taxed to death.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!
Don't blame me! I didn't vote!
Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen
with em!
If you can read this... Your parents will be home in two minutes.
Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!
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