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| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/12/08 03:34 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Quickies keep on
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Date: Mon, 08 Dec 2008 04:34:43 -0600
Xref: news.nzbot.com alt.fan.rolex:7542
After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's
outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge
of the cliff. Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette.
After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that
the rope would not hold all their collective weight. They decided that
to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must
sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.
Well they talked about it for a while but no-one could decide a fair
way of choosing who should jump. Finally, the brunette, exasperated by
the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon
the rope was going to snap.
To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made
the sacrifice. She plucked up a little courage and told the others
that she would jump to save them.
After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be
remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all
started clapping!
----------
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and
Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local
saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his
arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they
burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my
children."
He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give
him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and
walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking
around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which
hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but
landed seventy feet down a ravine.
The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a
knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look
at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the
shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave
said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my
hand." But Jeff was adamant.
"Please, Dave, take a look at this." So Dave looked up and saw that
standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave
just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be
millionaires!"
----------
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help
me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge
pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of
what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband
arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes
back in the box."
----------
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real
bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to
kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her
behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree
next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A
blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home
to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and
sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The
blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
----------
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and
hurt ourselves.
----------
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The
announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she
saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde
stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give
you what's coming to you!"
----------
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her
head.
"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty
specialist as she notices the blonde.
"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.
"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty
specialist getting annoyed.
"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and
throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies.
When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it
repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
----------
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in
Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they
saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and
started driving back home.
----------
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults
directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and
began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car
and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have
one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really
liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to
her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me
my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde!
Now give me back my dog."
----------
New prefix
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be
used to create new words that describe them:
Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other
clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of
males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost
blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the
most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched
her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to
anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear
smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
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