| Jokes 1009 |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/10/09 12:13 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Jokes 1009
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Date: Thu, 09 Oct 2008 18:13:25 GMT
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A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had
an affair with a woman."
The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to
the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't
put any money in the poor box!"
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as
putting it in."
=====
Wacky News Of The World
But Doctor, You HAVE To!
In Turkey, Mehmet Esirgen, 52, tried to cure his sexual impotence by
having a penis transplant -- using a donkey as the donor. The wire
service Agence France-Presse reported that three times Esirgen brought
home a donkey, amputated its sexual organs and appealed in vain for a
doctor to perform the operation. Apparently the third time so annoyed
his family that his son shot him in the leg.
Horse and Druggies
In one of the strangest alliances ever encountered by law enforcement
in the Amish community of Pennsylvania, members of the Pagans
Motorcycle Club allegedly conspired with some young Amish men to sell
"multiple kilograms" of cocaine to Amish youth groups. The drugs were
to be sold to the Amish youths during hoedowns. The deals took place
in Gap, PA, minutes east of Intercourse, PA.
Combustion
The BBC reported British researchers duplicated and solved the
gruesome paranormal mystery of spontaneous human combustion, where
bodies burn completely, except for the legs, while nearby furniture
remains untouched. After successfully burning a pig carcass they said
human fat, ignited by a little as a cigarette, can cause a 'wick
effect,' burning for hours and consuming a body like a candle.
Kaleef the Blacksmith Had One Down the Street, Where The Big Hole Is
A second stray U.S. Tomahawk missile was found in Pakistan as that
country mounted interview efforts asking citizenry if they've seen any
more.
It Only Hurts When I Reboot
In England, Professor Kevin Warwick, head of the University of
Reading's Cybernetics Dept, claimed to be the first person in the
world to have a computer chip surgically implanted into his body. In a
Classy Ending Of the Day
Slovenia's state-run news agency reported on the death of 'passionate'
fisherman Franc Filipic, 47, who drowned after hooking a huge lake
sheatfish (like a catfish) and refusing to let go as he waded in and
was pulled under. Friends reported his last words were 'NOW I've got
him!' Divers found his body after a two-day search.
Sticks and Stones...
800 were left injured, 25 critically, at the annual Gotmar festival
near Chhindwara in India. A traditional part is where residents from
two nearby villages gather on opposite sides of a river to hurl rocks
and abuses at each other, before feasting and rejoicing together
later. Getting hit is considered a good omen.
Nice Goggles. Designer?
Cadillac will offer a night vision option in its 2000 DeVille. It uses
military-like infrared sensors to create a 4-by-10-inch windshield
projection just above the steering wheel. Warm objects like people
appear white. Auto mag reporters say it works, revealing pedestrians
some 200 yards before headlights pick them up.
Naughty Nurses
The United Kingdom Central Council of Nursing, Midwifery and Health
sent letters warning 640,000 British nurses to stop using offensive
abbreviations in their notes which go into patients' records. Examples
include BUNDY (but unfortunately not dead yet), PIN (pain in the
neck), and FLK (funny looking kid).
Where IS Everybody? Burp
The state of Illinois will discipline Dr. Bennet Braun, a prominent
psychiatrist who they say took repressed-memory therapy too far. Braun
convinced Pat Burgus, 42, (who already sued successfully for $10
million) that she possessed 300 personalities, served in a cult, and
sexually abused her children (two of whom she was persuaded to
hospitalize for three years). Also that she ate human flesh meatloaf
made from 2,000 people a year, despite the fact that she lived in a
tiny Iowa town.
=====
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female
teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour, some of the children needed to go to the toilet, so
it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet,
one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the
urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting
the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up in this manner, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. but
thanks for the lift anyhow."
=====
What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
Grandpa.
=====
One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the
redhead's house while the redhead's father was out. The father had a
pet parrot, which he did not let anyone else touch. But, when he left,
the girls took him out. The girls were playing with it, when the
blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its
=====
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