A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem
was that she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this
species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed
Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now
Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female,
and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they
might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the
female gorilla.
So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw
the gorilla for five hundred bucks?
Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the
matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from
this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what
could be the third?
"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with
the five hundred bucks."
=====
Radical Procedure
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he
was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After
being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across
a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd
like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and
a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe
was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe
was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without
hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was
incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
=====
Jesus and Moses are playing golf and they''re on the tenth hole. Moses
hits the ball and it heads straight for a pond. Just before the ball
hits the water, the pond parts and the ball rolls up onto the green.
Jesus winds up and hits one about to the same spot. Jesus' ball hits
the water and skips across. All of a sudden, lightning flashes and a
ball drops from the sky. A fish swallows it, a bird picks up the fish
and drops the ball onto a turtle, that walks over to the hole and
drops it in.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, ''I hate it when your dad plays!''
=====
Confucious say, 'It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on!'
=====
What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.
=====
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