In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive
sportscars.
An owl enters a psychologist's office. The psychologist says to the
owl, "What is your problem?"
The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day.
I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night."
The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his
problem, as he is very busy.
The next night, a cat comes in. He says, "I always sleep during the
day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?"
The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is
very busy. The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his
appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl. The cat is told
to wait outside. He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his
problem... and his address!
During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his
appointment, the cat comes in. The psychologist asks the cat why he is
here instead of the owl.
The cat replies, "He is here!'' and poops on the floor, explaining, "I
was sent to deliver him."
=====
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops
for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door
saying ''Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!'' He goes in and
sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?''
''I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm
hauling.''
''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and
a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is
totally shocked.
''Why did you do that?''
''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in
season now. You don't even need a license.'' The truck driver finishes
his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back
door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He
jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the
computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing
the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his
whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his
gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A
highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop.
''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck
driver.
''Well, sure,'' says the patrolman. ''But you can't bait 'em.''
=====
Ode To The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle,
And never cruel or mean.
He has a perfect smile,
And is always neat and clean.
The Perfect Man likes children,
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a caring father,
And good husband to his bride.
The Perfect Man loves cooking,
He will clean and vacuum too.
He'll do what's in his power
To show his deep-felt love for you.
The Perfect Man is sweet,
Writing poems with your name;
He's a best friend to your mother,
And will kiss away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or caused you hurt in any way.
To hell with this endless poem and rhyme,
The Perfect Man is gay.
=====
A guy comes home early one day from work. And he hears weird sounds
coming from his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife
naked on the bed sweating bullets.
''What the hell is going on?'' he says.
''I'm having a heart attack!!''
So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he
is doing this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and
says, ''Dad, Uncle Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's
naked'' So he slams the phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own
brother, in the closet.
The man, then says. ''What the hell are you doin? My wife is having a
heart attack, and your here running around naked, scaring the kids?
You shoud be ashamed of yourself!"
=====
Southern Values
There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a
normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife.
One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They
fell in love and got married. To celebrate their marriage they spent
their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town. Tammy Jo
was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie and Billy Bob
thought she was absolutely breathtaking.
He jumped up, dragged Tammy Jo out of the room, drove to her parents'
house and left her crying on the doorstep.
Billy Bob immediately went over to his father's house and told him
ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for
=====
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