| Jokes 823 |
EasyNews, UseNet made Ea .. |
| ::darkshadows:: (blood@thirsty.net) |
2008/08/23 09:46 |
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From: "::darkshadows::" <blood@thirsty.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.rolex
Subject: Jokes 823
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Bar Monkey
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey
grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced
limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls
it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your
monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up
his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats
everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
==========
Meals on Wheels
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven,
God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it
was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no
food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had turned
out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would
give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid
down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and
God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for
them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and
exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats
and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give
them roller skates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking
heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he
gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on,
but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
==========
Football Animals
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between
the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing
small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to
rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The
first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the
rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for
a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,
"Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
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