New Enlistment Oaths
U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the
UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military
scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch
of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the
Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a
day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and
when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will
work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of
natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I
will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber
then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them
for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of
gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I
won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the
red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I
got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy
property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take
college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain
that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do
my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge
in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the
Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants
during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural
life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best
to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my
pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.
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Signature
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Date
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the
UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army,
because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over
waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any
form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a
valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by
their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other
services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me
and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After
completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating,
Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I
will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to
clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will
annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me
God!"
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Signature
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Date
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise
mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high
enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough
for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I
will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots
because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to
wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will
continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my
Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I
will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the
fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to
maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will
attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing
less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I
will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade
sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she
might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me
twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will
maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing
accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of
morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I
understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help
me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction
with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the
Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it
because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
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Signature
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Date
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of
my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with
Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought
the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually
live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to
swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in
1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants
I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man
during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will
strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover,
geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor,
wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will
take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and
insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely
different from the other services and make absolutely no sense
whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning
unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up
around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point
that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and
still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently
busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected
for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite
possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me
Neptune!"
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Signature
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Date
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize),
swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix
bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air
Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes
SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah
Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
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Thumb Print
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Teeth Marks
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